Today I am compelled to share with you a comment from Monday’s post:
I was on the brink of marital disaster when Jesus first started whispering to me to come to Him. Fast forward a few years and someone passed on a book to me about submitting to your husband – I took what it said to the extreme obeying him, not speaking up for myself, just praying and crying and occasionally when I couldn't handle it I would freak-out.
After the book, I thought in order to honor God I must basically bow down to my husband. However as I did this he grew more and more overbearing. His behavior didn't get better but worse. He would announce he was the head of house (I had told him that) he would tease my new faith in public, all the while I would smile and not correct him (thinking it was not my place), but in my prayers and with my bible study I would talk about how horrible he was acting.
It wasn't until a friend witnessed a verbal lashing to me that she bought a book called The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. I had all the signs! It was Christian based and helped me sooo much. It forced me to grow up and speak up, instead becoming an unproductive martyr. I now have the info and help to be a submissive Christ honoring wife and stand up to unhealthy behavior (I have the info but I still have a long way to go.)
Quite a story and I’m glad our reader has brought her experience forward.
Discerning when to hold our tongues and when to speak up is often confusing for new Christians and new brides and grooms. The Bible speaks specifically in 1Peter 3 about winning our spouse without words. Yet, I must point out that Jesus spoke out many times, to share truth and did not back down from conflict. ( I will discuss more about this in future posts. It’s going to be good.)
So how do you discern when to speak and when to remain silent? Your marriage is a partnership, a union to serve one another and to support each other. This partnership is not always equal. A good marriage rarely divides all things fairly. However, I believe where we get off track is when we begin to lack respect for our mate.
We need to take a look at our spouse and hold up some basic truths up to our relationship. I believe a good example of what a healthy marriage looks like is enormously helpful. If you were raised in a home where your parents did not demonstrate a healthy marriage, look for a man or a woman in your church whom you could observe the qualities that are Godly and work in their married life. Spend time with them. Ask them for mentoring. You would be surprised at how many couples will be glad to help.
Read…… There are excellent books, written by Godly authors, who can share healthy boundaries in marriage and help you gain perspective as to what behavior is inappropriate, destructive and what is good and edifying.
I am convinced there are times of conflict in marriage when a wife or a husband must stand their ground such as our reader did with her husband. It is healthy. It sets appropriate boundaries and it helps us “grow each other up.” Remember, when we get married, we are likely immature and actually don’t know it all. Ahem!
It’s okay from time-to-time to help each other grow up.
Okay, your thoughts on this?
On Monday, we will look at some specifics of how this boundary setting plays out in real life. I will share with you a few confrontations that were necessary in our marriage. They were, ahem, loud, and ahem, passionate, and absolutely necessary. Both of us are better people because we worked through the difficulties and learned to respect one another.
Have a fantastic weekend. I’m off to our annual San Diego Writer’s Conference. I’m looking forward to visiting with my editor, Kim Bangs, and all my friends from my local critique group.
Have a blessed weekend. Lynn
Okay, let’s hear your thoughts on setting boundaries.
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