Spiritually Unequal Marriage

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Reader Question: How Do I Respect Him

Today I'm tackling another reader question: Lynn, Hi there, thanks so much for getting back to me.  I am worried because I feel that my marriage is more than just…

Today I'm tackling another reader question:

Lynn,

Hi there, thanks so much for getting back to me.  I am worried because I feel that my marriage is more than just spiritually mismatched–it's all around mismatched.  Somehow, during a period of rebellion apparently, I got myself into a marriage with a man whose core values I don't agree with.  The best way I can think of it is being in an arranged marriage.  I know arranged marriages work sometimes so I need to find out how.  I need to know how to be respectful of my husband (since I know it's so important to men) when I don't respect his ways, basically.  What do you think?  A.

Dear A:

Girl, I KNOW exactly what you are feeling and saying. My husband and I are so opposite in our world views and belief systems. I don’t respect many of the choices he makes. It literally grieves my soul. He is very liberal and supports most of the social movements that are in contrast to God’s Word. 

Painful… Hard to respect. I had to stop looking at all that was wrong with him. I actually began to write out lists of the qualities that were admiral and worthy. When you begin to focus on what they do bring into your life and marriage it helps to move past the bitterness. I know I talk about this very thing in our book. It was hard and a long process for me. I’m stubborn. But, through it I’ve saved our marriage and we are both very happy now. And I’m so glad as we are entering into a new season in our life that we stuck with our marriage vows. I love how I just KNOW this man and that he knows me. It’s truly special to have someone know you at that depth of intimacy that they can finish your sentences. 

God healed me first. My healing was enough for the both of us to strive forward and find peace. If God will do this for me, he will do it for you as well. That’s a promise. It all started by my pursuit of God. My increasing love relationship changed everything. For the both of us. My husband still makes decisions about media that grieve me…. But I have peace and I am happy. 

Pray with earnestness to seek God. To know what He is wanting to show you in your life. Start reading every book you can get your hands on about intimacy with the Father. Face to Face with God is really good. It’s on our website. 

I will be your cheerleader and the voice that says ….. YOU CAN DO THIS AND DO IT WELL.

Love you, Lynn

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Comments

29 responses

  1. Heidi Avatar
    Heidi

    Forgiveness is key here I believe. I think sometimes its easy to interput anger, and frusteration as lack of respect. I know when I was so angry with my husband and just plain mad it was easy for me to see this as lack of respect. My struggle was with these emotions, not respect. Once I was able to come to terms with that, my next step was forgiveness. Which in turn freed me from my anger. Respect seemed to come with less effort and not so much of an issue any more. Half of the battle was finding peace within myself once I forgave him, the place that was occupied with anger was now free to love more fully AND find happiness in the midst of it all. It’s tough for our pre-believers to see wrong/sin, their sight is diminshed in the dark, and truly that is a place of struggle and torment. Sometimes we may very well be the only light that pierces their dark world, and wether they admit it or not it brings relief and and a tiny hint of peace like a familar safe habor. This is what our souls were made to desire, that one may seek out their heavenly Father.
    Keep the faith and dont be so hard on yourself,your battle is half one! You have seeked help from an awesomely supportive community with two great ladies leading the way Lynn and Dineen! AND just caring enough to write and be concerened about your struggle is half the journey!! ((((((HUG))))) 🙂

    Reply
  2. Teresa T Avatar
    Teresa T

    I found that to relieve pressure on our marriage, I had to realize that The Father, not my husband, was the source of what I need. It can be frustrating if you expect something from hubs that he can’t give. But God has us covered. There are times I have to respect my husband’s POSITION in our family if I am having trouble dealing with him personally at the moment.

    Reply
  3. Kathy Avatar
    Kathy

    Wow this is good! I was just telling the Lord (I talk to Him about everything) that I just plain don’t respect my husband. Mine claims to be saved and goes to church but that is all. He has no commitment to Him. That saddens me! But, I also have a man that just won’t talk to me.. he has hidden areas of his life. I feel that I don’t know him. He won’t share is life with me. He is completely closed out on the area of finances. He doesn’t earn a living. He is self employed as a auto mechanic but doesn’t promote his business. He has cars coming in once in a while. Most of the money that he manages to get in is either given to him by his mom or he sells a car he has on property. (we have a lot) He isn’t tithing anything. That in itself is scary to me! I tell the Lord I don’t respect a man that doesn’t work or won’t take the time to talk to me. We have talked about this before but nothing has changed. I talk.. but he doesn’t seem to be interested in knowing me! It get weary! I tell the Lord all the time I want to be that wife HE wants me to be but He is just going to have to help me! Thank you for this~~~ I have done a list of worthy and admiral things about him but the list is very small. I know I have a tendency to focus on the negative aspects. I guess cause the negatives are so much in my face. But thank you for sharing this letter and your comments to this lady! Something for me to think and pray about for sure!

    Reply
  4. Kathy Avatar
    Kathy

    Thank you for this Heidi!

    Reply
  5. Lynette Duquette Avatar
    Lynette Duquette

    Kathy, I believe we often get the lines blurred when it comes to respect and forgiveness. We often think respect and forgiveness means we never confront in love or discuss issues. One thing I learned is that if I didn’t love and care for someone, I wouldn’t give a rip about what they do. You can love and respect someone, but not love what they do. Took me a long time to figure this out. I felt a lot of condemnation for a long time because I would be upset with some things my husband was doing. It’s okay to have those feelings, we are human, and sometimes other people’s choices cause us pain. That’s a part of life. What is important is how we deal with them. We go to God, and ask Him to give us peace, to heal our hearts, and give us wisdom in how to deal with these situations. I would recommend the book, Boundaries in Marriage. Helped me immensely. I will pray for you.

    Reply
  6. Joanne M Avatar
    Joanne M

    Kathy. The Lord impressed on my heart to offer to design your husband some business cards. I’m a freelance Graphic designer and designing business cards is just one area I LOVE the most. If you like this gift please email me with further info I’d need for the cards.
    cupofjo2008@hotmail.com
    I am in your boat sista! XO

    Reply
  7. Joanne M Avatar
    Joanne M

    How do I respect him?
    I’ve been praying to the Holy Spirit a lot more these days to change the feelings and emotions I experience that I know are NOT from God. Stuff that would only lead me in the wrong direction. Instead of focusing on the ways David needs to change and feeding those feelings that stir up inside my soul because of it, I now pray for peace, contentment, I pray for self control and discipline in my own behavior so that my actions and my words will minister to my husband.
    Only God is going to change David because He is in control of this. Not me.
    The only weapon I have to endure this battle that satan is trying to win, I say “trying” because he has NOT won here…..is prayers.
    I learned a lesson this past Thanksgiving I keep reflecting back on. Give Thanks to God in everything. I am seeking something in all circumstances to simply say Thank You God for….
    I pray for the Holy Spirit to empower you A, to empower us ALL in winning over our spouses, Your children, with actions and words that they will hear Jesus come shining through.

    Reply
  8. Joanne M Avatar
    Joanne M

    I pray that out of His glorious riches, He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being…
    Ephesians 3:16

    Reply
  9. Teresa T Avatar
    Teresa T

    It takes pressure off when I realize all I need comes from God. It only frustrates to expect hubs to give what he cannot. At times, I have to respect his position in the family , even when I cannot respect specific decisions.

    Reply
  10. Heidi Avatar
    Heidi

    Good word 🙂

    Reply
  11. Heidi Avatar
    Heidi

    Your welcome Kathy! By the way I totally get you, it is so hard to just turn the other cheek, especially when we are in the heat of the moment. Something I also am praying in the power of the Holy Spirit. I found for me that at times I can be prideful and stuborn and that has what has kept me stuck in that angry place I hate. SO now I force my little stuborn self to say a prayer of forgiveness (which usually starts with a big pouty face). Its amazing how almost instantly my shoulders relax and my mood is lifted, amazing!! (Forgiving of course doesn’t mean fogetting, or saying its ok.)

    Reply
  12. Kathy Avatar
    Kathy

    oh I will get that book! Hmmm that is what I need to pray for peace, healing, and wisdom. Thank you much!

    Reply
  13. Kathy Avatar
    Kathy

    Oh I love how the Lord works. I will send an e mail your way. Thank you!

    Reply
  14. Kathy Avatar
    Kathy

    Oh good things to pray for! Sometimes I just tell the Lord I don’t know how to pray! He has given me ideas in these postings!

    Reply
  15. deb Avatar
    deb

    This is in response to Lynn’s comment about writing a list of her husbands good qualities. Years ago I found myself in the mindset of focusing on my prebeliever’s negative character traits and thinking he could do nothing right – ever – which of course lead to disrespecting him. I don’t remember exactly how I came up with this idea, but I got a cheap dictionary, read through it, and highlighted all the words that described his good qualities (Phil. 4:8). When I finished, I gave it to him as an “I Love You” present.
    I am sure that my husband could pick up on my disrespectful attitude even though I never said anything. Working through the dictionary (applying Phil 4:8), was a healing process for me (a renewing of my mind – Romans 12:2). When I finished I realized he WAS a good guy, it was easier to find things I could respect about him, therefore my attitude towards him changed. My heart softened.
    When I gave him the book, we flipped through it together and laughed over some of the words I chose. He was humbled and his heart softened towards me. God really can change our hearts towards our husband’s if we seek him and apply his word so that we might “win them without words”.

    Reply
  16. Kathy Avatar
    Kathy

    What a cool idea!

    Reply
  17. Kathy Avatar
    Kathy

    Lynn, I got that book. Put it on my kindle so I could read it right away. Thanks!

    Reply
  18. Lynette Duquette Avatar
    Lynette Duquette

    That’s great! I am sure it will speak to you!

    Reply
  19. Lynn Avatar
    Lynn

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    Awesome. Praying you are filled with wisdom and revelation Ephe 1:17. Hugs 

    Reply
  20. Lynn Avatar
    Lynn

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    Wow …Wow Wow what a beautiful, Godly way to love your husband. This is such a great idea. Thank you Deb. Hugs. 

    Reply
  21. Sareta Delgado Avatar
    Sareta Delgado

    I really needed this one. The past two Fridays have been BAD VERY BAD…I felt like I could take NO MORE.. I’m so grateful for SUM I think I’d have lost my mind by now. I will keep praying and trying… but I SO NEED all of you.. Love this place Love you, you are all a gift.. your hearts bless…

    Reply
  22. 3boysrus2012@gmail.com Avatar
    3boysrus2012@gmail.com

    As I read this and the answers these ladies gave, my heart tore in pieces as I realized, I too have an
    impatient and very stubborn heart. I also look for faults in my husband and forget to look
    at my own faults that lead up to that argument.
    I am beginning to look in that mirror that compares me to Jesus.
    That’s humbling in itself but then I look at how Jesus forgave me even
    before I even knew who He was.
    That’s the kind of forgiveness I need for my husband. I know he is a workaholic but he
    is a good father.
    I need prayer to see my husband through God’s eyes so I can be
    swift to forgive and slow to anger.
    I am also following this blog faithfully for ideas on how to show
    my husband this love.
    Thank you for your time..

    Reply
  23. Lynn Avatar
    Lynn

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    Amen. So glad you are walking this out with us. Love you my friend, Hugs, Lynn 

    Reply
  24. Alice M. Avatar
    Alice M.

    I too am in an unequally yoked marriage, I have been married for 35 yrs but I have only been back with the Lord the last 18 yrs. During the beginning of this journey it was so hard to do my best to live & serve God and try to be a that servant wife to my husband. He has never been against my faith but we are on different ends of the scale when it comes to walking a believers walk. When I first started out in this new walk I begin to see my husband differently. I began to pick out all is faults and was praying every day for God to change him and ALL his faults that I seen. Then this book got put into my hands, don’t remember from who…but if I had to guess then I would have to say God! 🙂
    It was a book written by Stormie Omartian titled The Power of a Praying Wife. She writes about how she got saved and seen everything wrong in her husband but then she talks had she began to pray like us for God to change her husband…but God began to show her that she had issues too…and she began to pray for God to change her! She began to see God put more love in her for her husband and He began to change him (husband) & her to where their marriage became stronger.
    Her husband also has a book out called The Power of a Praying Husband…
    Well needless to say, I began changing how I prayed, I began with God change me so that instead of me trying to see youi in my husband let my husband see You in me and ALL that I do & say…
    My husband has been saved but has strayed for a season but the bad things I seen in my husband became invisible and I began to see the man that God allowed me to fall in love with many years ago! I know God has my husband and is working on him and that is all I need to know…for God is Faithful!
    The bonus in this walk and allowing God to shine in my life is my yungest daughter has been saved for a year and getting baptised this month. Her and her husband are raising 3 of my grandchildren to know Christ, of which the oldest one at 8 yrs old got saved and baptized. My son n law playes instruments in the Praise & Worship team of their church…
    God showed me not just how to be a loving wife to my husband but how my walk is seenby others around me!
    God bless you Kathy with His strength, peace, knowledge and love for your journey…
    Just remember we All are in His Mighty Hand…and He knows ALL our stories and what we need when we need it!

    Reply
  25. Joanne Avatar
    Joanne

    If you ever feel you need more one on one conversation Sareta, please know you can email me if you need.
    cupofjo2008@hotmail.com
    or Facebook
    https://www.facebook.com/joanne.v.marsh

    Reply
  26. Joanne Avatar
    Joanne

    BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE here Alice! Right on the button. Change us first and everything else falls into His will.

    Reply
  27. Lynn Avatar
    Lynn

    Typepad HTML Email
    Wow Alice, What a beautiful testimony. God’s faithfulness and love shine forth from your words. You bring Him great honor in your life. I love you. Thank you for taking time to share your life and give God glory. Praying your husband becomes an on fire believer in this day. In Jesus name. Amen. 

    Reply
  28. Lynn Avatar
    Lynn

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    Amen.. Amen. 

    Reply
  29. Alice M. Avatar
    Alice M.

    Amen Lynn, I am in agreement with you…thank you!
    There is a song my sister sings and it has these words,’You were 4 days late but You were still on time!’ This was talking about Lasarus (sp) and his sisters told Jesus, ‘Your to late, he has been in tomb for 3 days and now is stinking.’ But for Jesus, He know He was right on time. Because the Father is an on time God and He alone will receive the Glory!
    So to All things…TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!

    Reply

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