Part 1: My Personal Experience
Hello SUMite family, Joy here. When Lynn mentioned the possibility of a faith-based study on narcissism and personality disorders, I felt deeply led to share more from my own lived experience.
I believe the term narcissism is one of the most loosely used personality labels in our culture today. It’s often thrown around casually – used to describe someone who is selfish, arrogant, or difficult. Yet at the same time, it remains one of the least understood and most subtle forms of abuse, especially to those who are living inside it. Many suffer in silence.
For many victims, constant confusion is what makes it so damaging. The harm doesn’t always come in loud, obvious ways. It can be quiet, manipulative, and deeply psychological – leaving the person on the receiving end questioning their own reality, memory, and even spiritual discernment. Because it doesn’t always look like traditional abuse, it often goes unrecognized for years. And by the time someone begins to see it clearly, the emotional and spiritual erosion has already taken place.
I do not speak about this subject lightly. I was in this type of abusive dynamic for nearly twenty years of my life. And even after my first marriage ended, the abuse did not. Because we share a child together, the dynamic continued – just in different forms.
It wasn’t until my therapist, who had met with my ex-husband on numerous occasions, gently introduced the term “covert narcissist” to me that I experienced what I can only describe as an “aha” moment. For the first time, the confusion began to clear. I realized that the years of manipulation, the constant shifting of blame, the way I was made to feel unstable, irrational, and at fault for everything, which is often referred to as gaslighting, were not isolated incidents. They were patterns. The verbal assaults, the emotional erosion, the quiet but relentless undermining – I was not imagining them. I had been living in them.
Long ago, I had intended to pursue psychology, so when that term surfaced, I did what I have always done: I studied. Intensively. I immersed myself in clinical research, psychological evaluations, and books written by professionals who specialize in personality disorders. With each page, I felt a mixture of grief and validation. It felt like the pages were describing my life in detail. The patterns, the traits – they aligned in ways that were impossible to ignore.
What began as an intellectual study quickly became a personal revelation. As I continued reading and reflecting, I began to see just how deeply this dynamic had destabilized me. The unraveling had not happened overnight. It was subtle and cumulative. What started with intense affection and attentiveness – what many describe as love bombing – gradually gave way to years of blame-shifting, gaslighting, and narrative control that slowly chipped away at my confidence and sense of reality.
If something went wrong, it was always someone else’s fault. If I reacted to mistreatment, my reaction became the problem rather than the behavior that provoked it. Over time, that distortion of truth quietly reshaped how I saw myself.
After enduring infidelity, which I was blamed for, and years of psychological and emotional anguish, I realized the only way to survive was to leave. At the time, I was not walking closely with the Lord, but even clinically, meaningful change is rare when these personality patterns are deeply ingrained. Individuals operating within these dynamics often struggle with empathy and accountability. Protecting their image takes precedence over repairing harm. They see no harm.
Before I left, my therapist told me something I will never forget: “Know that you will be the bad guy. This will be your fault.” And she was right. In his narrative, I was.
Leaving someone who functions within these patterns can be difficult. And it was. When their control is disrupted, what clinicians often call “supply,” there is often an attempt to regain influence. If children are involved, that connection usually remains. In our case, we shared a child.
With that being said, the divorce did not end the dynamic; it reshaped it. Co-parenting required boundaries, documentation, and constant emotional regulation. These patterns continued in quieter ways, through narrative control, subtle manipulation, and an ongoing refusal to accept responsibility. The absence of empathy became one of the hardest truths to face.
The destabilization was so profound that during one of the hardest seasons of my life, which was our custody battle, I began journaling simply to survive. What started as raw entries written through endless tears during moments of panic and confusion slowly became something else. I was being spiritually rebuilt in the very place I had been psychologically undone. Those journals documented not only the legal battle, but my process of being saved, truly saved in the middle of it.
At some point in my journaling, I began to sense that these pages were not meant to remain private. What started as survival writing slowly felt like something I was being called to share. That is when I began editing it to read more like a memoir or, perhaps more accurately, a testimony of my journey. I felt a deep pull to help others who may be suffering in the same silence I lived in for so many years.
The manuscript is not yet published, and I am still prayerfully discerning how to move forward with it. But in the meantime, I am grateful for opportunities to share pieces of my experience with my SUMite family.
We all have our stories – our lives are our testimonies. I’ve learned that as difficult as it is to live through them, it can be harder to share those painful memories. Sharing brings out our vulnerabilities to the forefront, but as I mentioned previously, it can help others heal. Dear friends, I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences from your own life if you can relate to the areas I have covered in this article. I would be honored to hear your heart. Until then, I look forward to meeting you in the comments. Sending you all love and grace as we journey through this study together.
REMINDER: The information shared in this series of posts, Healthy Relationships, is to add to our understanding of our relationships and with some specifics to marriage. The information I share has been vetted to the best of my ability. I may not have the full scope of practices or ministries of which I’ve obtained information or share.
Additionally, many post contain REAL LIFE experiences from our readers here at SUM. We will not judge or criticize anyone here for their experiences. We choose to love and we choose to learn. Because we will find ourselves and our friends within the process of these stories.
Please offer your thoughts and wisdom. We are all on a journey together. Blessings and hugs, Lynn Donovan
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