Spiritually Unequal Marriage

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Let’s Talk About Abuse and Reconciliation

Ann Hutchison

Hello my friends, Ann here. Lynn is talking about such an important topic at the moment: Difficult personalities in families. I think many of us deal with a situation or…

Hello my friends, Ann here.

Lynn is talking about such an important topic at the moment: Difficult personalities in families. I think many of us deal with a situation or two in our family where there is someone with a difficult personality. Would that be true to say?

If I look at Bryce’s and my two extended families there are some personalities in the family who are so easy to deal with and others who are little more complex LOL.

Jesus said:

“If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:46, NIV).

I’m now going to tell you about something that happened to me in 2024. It’s not a very easy thing to share, and I hope I use the right words. I pray God will cover it.

Some of you might remember I had to take a month off from leading and writing SUM at the time. Something bad happened.

I have someone in my life who, when I was a teenager, was abusive towards me. I perceive they were abusive; they do not. They weren’t always abusive, they were also very nice at times, and I loved them — I still do.

When I grew up, the abuse stopped for about fifteen years, and we went on to have a good relationship. But I was always on edge because of the memory.

In 2024 that person did it again, displaying the exact same behaviour as they did when I was a teenager. In that moment I experienced what I would describe as a trauma reaction instantly and ran out of their house. I then went on to shake and cry, on and off, for a week afterwards. Bryce was with me, and together we had the most terrible time afterwards as we were both so upset.

The strength of my reaction surprised me. In the weeks that followed, the memory of the event played and replayed in my mind, over and over, and made me feel physical reactions to the trauma.

Since then, I have not been able to be in contact with that person again, nor go near their house, although they are part of my family’s connections. I simply cannot do it. I have written them a letter explaining the behaviour that I want them to stop, and they have rejected my viewpoint. They do not believe that their behaviour was abusive.

So I have been estranged from this person, which makes it difficult for certain people who are connected to both of us, and of course that sits very uncomfortably for me as a Christian. I am taking time to work this through. After eighteen months of thinking about it, here are some thoughts:

Well, those are the thoughts that have formed, for me, over one and a half years of walking this out. I am still working on it, and it’s difficult. I pray for reconciliation in my situation, but the circumstances have to be ripe for it.

Each situation is different. God knows all about it and guides us.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Ann

Ann Hutchison

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35 responses

  1. Maria Avatar
    Maria

    I am very sorry for what you endured and the struggles that abuse has caused you. I was raised in a very dangerous abusive home my mother used to always tell me how much she hated me (because I cried when I was a baby) and she never forgave me for it. She was always threatening to kill me constantly calling me horrible names laughing at me mocking me making fun of me. The name calling was part of daily life – she’d say “I’m going to think of a new name to call you today. Then she’d smirk and say “stup” that’s what I’m going to call you “stup”. Hey pass the salt stup” “stup” was her short version of stupid. For 2 days she forced me to eat a hard boiled egg- I was not allowed any other food until I finished it. I kept trying but I could not keep it down – she’d then call me a dirty disgusting pig. She did make me eat it eventually. She was always telling me I was ugly because I looked like my dad’s side of the family – his mother especially. I was thin with small features-green eyes blonde hair – she actually truly hated that. My entire childhood I remember her calling me filthy names because I looked like my dad’s mother. To add to the terror my mother had a severely mentally ill son who was older than me. He was huge and he was “her baby Huey”. I have physical scars from the many times he tried to kill me. He even kidnapped me when I about 3 years old (I remember) and he took me on a death march shoving me down into the gravel on this long back road dragging me until there was a very busy road and he pushed me in front of a car and he ran away. All I can remember afterwards was a pretty blonde haired woman with her hair neatly up kneeling down in front of me holding me and I was crying. I remember nothing else about that incident. There were so many attacks from that giant insane creature- too many for me to write. He threw a glass bottle of bleach at me it shattered – there was glass everywhere my skin was on fire -my father who usually away on a drunk- was home that time and I remember him putting me in a bath and running cold water all over me. He came close to killing me again the day he threw a paper weight at my head – it barely missed I ran but then he cut my wrist so deeply with broken glass that blood was squirting up into the air – I was about 5 years old. I ran outside for help as he was chasing me threw the house as soon as I got outside he ran back in. I remember neighbors came from everywhere holding me down on the grass with towels to stop all the blood. He was constantly attacking me hitting me punching me trying to poke my eyes out smothering me pillows in the middle of the night. He was always in and out of Northville State Hospital sometimes he would live there on the grounds-that was called Hawthorn Center but my mother always picked him up every single Friday night for the weekend. That was the only time there was food in the house. She would cook really weird food for him his favorite dishes- “spotted dick” pickled pigs feet. He would eat all the groceries she would buy for his big weekends home – there was nothing left during the week after he’d go back on Sunday nights. One time I hid some crackers and cereal under my bed – my mother found it she became very angry and called me a filthy pig for hoarding food. Every Sunday night when she had to take him back – at the hospital check in there was staff at the sign in counter who would ask her how the weekend went and every time she would lie. She would stand there and tell staff how gentle kind quiet that huge monster was and he would stand there with a smirk on his face. She NEVER told anyone how just before in the car he would punch me in the head all the way back to Northville psych hospital or about all the continual weekend violent attacks. As young as I was I knew if I would have told staff what was really going on -I was terrified of what my mother would have done to me + also I wasn’t sure if I would have been believed- the way that manic “acted” at Northville the staff had zero idea about his violence. My mother and her son “lived for weekends”. So her boy was always on his best behavior at Northville psych hospital and her constantly lying for him -they had everyone completely fooled. My mother would always look at him and say “See you next Friday Jim-Jim-have a good week mommy loves you” I would count each passing week day until the dreaded Friday came again. Then sometimes my mom would say “Jimmy’s coming home to live again” and I never knew if I was going to survive . My dad was a drunk – he was never around – no protection no one for any help. Fast forward – I did survive – I grew up moved out and I eventually got my Masters Degree and married a nice man. After I was an adult I felt so guilty and condemned for not speaking to my mother -I felt like I was such a sinner. On and off for awhile I did try to have a relationship with her but she kept telling me how much she hated me and would scream she still wanted to kill me – because I cried when I was a baby. Eventually I became so depressed – my husband even kept telling me to stay away from her. For my spiritual/mental/physical safety so God could start healing me I had to realize I was not sinning by breaking off all contact with her – she was a demon. Also because I was no longer around to beat up – her son was now very violent with her beating her up bloody. She was so crazy/irrational she actually once told me she was forced to bring him home or he’d beat her up if she didn’t. She still lied to hospital staff and still brought him home every weekend until the day she died. Her insane son lives in a group home now because all the psych hospital have long been closed – he’s still dangerous. God gave peace about staying away from her – He clearly showed me/revealed to me how evil she was. There are some people for our safety we absolutely cannot have any contact with. Evil people are like poisonous snakes that can’t be trusted. Each day God has to continually heal me of the emotional scars from my abusive childhood. It was all so scary I never knew what it was to be a kid. I do have a good life now and keep trying to move forward with God – it’s hard though on some days. Sorry this was so long. I pray God gives you the peace you need.

    Reply
    1. Lynn Donovan Avatar
      Lynn Donovan

      Maria,

      It’s absolutely devastating to read what has happened to you. There are no words that I can say that could bring comfort. I praise the Lord Jesus that you found him because he can heal and restore your true identity.

      It’s absolutely horrible. What you live through and there was a lot of demonization and mental illness. Every time Jesus protected you because you have a life of meaning and purpose and power. I bless you in a greater strength, greater identity in Christ and peace in the Holy Spirit, my dear sister. I bless you in the mighty name of our king Jesus. Amen.

      Reply
      1. Maria Avatar
        Maria

        Thank you – your kind words mean more than you will ever know. God bless – Maria

        Reply
    2. Joy Davies Avatar
      Joy Davies

      Maria, I don’t even have adequate words for what you endured. What happened to you was horrific, and none of it was your fault. The child you were deserved protection, tenderness, and safety.

      I am so deeply sorry that you had to survive what no one should ever have to experience. The strength it took to live through that, to build a life, to pursue healing – that is nothing short of extraordinary.

      Choosing distance for your safety was not sin. It was wisdom. It was survival. And I believe God’s heart was always toward protecting you.

      I pray you continue to walk in peace, the kind of peace that comes from knowing you are safe now and deeply loved. ❤️

      Reply
      1. Maria Avatar
        Maria

        Thank you for your kindness (I have not experienced much of that) so your words mean more than I can express. God bless you🤍

        Reply
    3. Julianne Avatar
      Julianne

      Maria, I am so sorry and I love you. I know your testimony of redemption and restoration is going to be one of absolute beauty, even if you’re still walking through it. It’s such a blessing you’ve shared so vulnerably with us. Thankyou x

      Reply
      1. Maria Avatar
        Maria

        Thank you – to be very honest I was afraid/skeptical to share I almost deleted it but God gave me such peace about it that I left it. Thank you again so much your words make me feel “safe”

        Reply
    4. Martha Bush Avatar
      Martha Bush

      Maria, I cannot imagine a child having to go through so much abuse. Perhaps you don’t realize it yet, but you are building a testimony now of how God is bringing you through that will help others. I heard a statement this morning: A testimony is told to help others while their faith is still growing in their own problems. May the Lord wrap His arms around you and love you as only a Heavenly Father can.

      Reply
      1. Maria Avatar
        Maria

        Thank you for you kind words- I keep saying the word “kind” in response to people because kindness is so vital so revealing of one’s heart and soul. God bless you and thank you for your understanding🤍

        Reply
    5. Ann Hutchison Avatar
      Ann Hutchison

      Maria, I am sorry too. So sorry. Blessed are you who mourn, you will be comforted. I pray that somewhere in amongst all this, that scripture will become so real to you that you will live, breathe, and pour it out. Much love.

      Reply
      1. Maria Avatar
        Maria

        Thank you for your very caring kindness – your words mean so very much. God bless you🤍

        Reply
    6. Jill Avatar
      Jill

      I’m so very sorry for the abuse you’ve endured, Maria. Thank you for your courage in sharing this… I’m so happy you are here. You are so loved… may the Lord shower you with blessings upon blessings.

      Reply
      1. Maria Avatar
        Maria

        Thank you for your kind words they mean so very much to me🤍 God bless you

        Reply
  2. Bethann Zampol Avatar
    Bethann Zampol

    Thank you for sharing. I am the person who is loving both the abuser and abused. You words bring me comfort that two people who I love so much can someday find reconciliation, but I need to let it be in God’s and their timing
    that is very hard for a mother.

    Reply
    1. Lynn Donovan Avatar
      Lynn Donovan

      Bethann, I pray for the Holy Spirit and angelic to protect your tender heart. I pray for wisdom to know how to have boundaries and ways to find hope and help for you and your family. I pray you are full in your identity in Christ and that you know He is always with you. I pray blessings and all of God’s love and goodness around you. I pray you find your way out of abuse and into God’s protection. In Jesus Mighty name. AMEN

      Reply
    2. Ann Hutchison Avatar
      Ann Hutchison

      Bethann, I’m so sorry. I know… I send you love. I pray that all will be uncovered that needs to be, and that God brings healing to this situation. I pray for the oil of joy instead of mourning for you, and in your family. Much love.

      Reply
    3. Sarah Avatar
      Sarah

      I find it a struggle to move forward from an abusive situation. Towards me and my now grown child. Full repentance has occurred, a full giving if themselves over to the Lord, and the Lords assurance that I am to continue in the relationship and he will redeem it. But I struggle daily with the pain that the abuse caused. The separation it has led to in the family. I have been able to move forward from the pain that I suffered in this abusive situation. But its so much more difficult to grieve and move forward in regards to the pain they caused towards them. It causes grief and mourning on a daily basis in my heart. Even being repented of and forgiven, sin causes scars that remain.

      Reply
      1. Lynn Donovan, 2024 Avatar
        Lynn Donovan, 2024

        Oh Sarah,

        This is also so heartbreaking. It is astonishing that there may be a chance for health and restoration because a life given to Jesus can be changed. I pray that does happen and quickly. I also pray you are overwhelmed with love and affirmation from our Lord. He can heal every broken place and bring about new life and relationships that are healthy, strong and rewarding. Praying peace and healing over you today. In Jesus mighty name. AMEN

        Reply
  3. Lynn Donovan Avatar
    Lynn Donovan

    Ann, it’s as if you wrote this post just for me.

    Someone’s access to you is a gift not an automatic, right. Wisdom from heaven. And so true.

    Thank you so much, Ann. You blessed me today. I love you deeply.

    Reply
    1. Ann Hutchison Avatar
      Ann Hutchison

      I was thinking of you too, of course. I pray for strength for you Lynn, perspective, healing, and God’s right timing in everything that happens next. Lots of love.

      Reply
  4. Martha Bush Avatar
    Martha Bush

    Thanks, Ann, for sharing your story. My family is going through a similar situation now; one that leaves me helpless to fix. Only the Holy Spirit can move each person through the steps you have outlined. Blessings to you for passing this on.

    Reply
    1. Ann Hutchison Avatar
      Ann Hutchison

      I know… helplessness. I got your message, Martha, I’ll send you a note. Hugs.

      Reply
  5. Joy Davies Avatar
    Joy Davies

    Ann,
    Thank you for sharing this. As someone who endured abuse in both my youth and again as an adult, these words resonate deeply. I don’t think hating the act of abuse is wrong. Abuse is evil. Calling it what it is and refusing to minimize it is part of healing. Forgiveness is powerful, but it’s also sacred. When someone has endured profound suffering, forgiveness isn’t something we manufacture in our own strength. Sometimes it’s something only the Lord can grant and grow in us over time.

    I’ve learned that loving someone and allowing them access to you are not the same thing. Guarding your heart can be wisdom, not bitterness.

    Thank you for speaking truth with both grace and clarity. 🤍

    Reply
    1. Ann Hutchison Avatar
      Ann Hutchison

      Lots of love to you, Joy. I pray that God does a mighty work in your specific situation, given your history and your pain. I pray that he brings order out of the chaos that you endured in the past. Thank you for sharing this, and for your good words.

      Reply
    2. Helen Avatar
      Helen

      ALL thank you for your testimonies of Gods’ Faithfulness and protection and KINDNESS to us all! WOW thank you Jesus for keeping us encapsulated in your LOVE and protection. Yes I agree dear beautiful friends- loving someone and giving them access are two totally different things and you do have a right in Christ to walk your own path with (circumventing =find a way around (an obstacle):
      “if you come to an obstruction in a road you can seek to circumvent it”-blocks that may put themselves in your way- you can move around that obstacle! Love and HS Blessings today! 🙂

      Reply
  6. Julianne Avatar
    Julianne

    Wow, I do wonder (seriously) if some version of this story, in differing degrees, is applicable in almost every family? I guess it makes sense that God created family, it’s part of His perfect design for the formation, health and safety of every one of His precious children – so, of course, the enemy would attack it with ferocity. And that word seems so applicable, FEROCITY.
    While it’s nice to understand that, we still have to navigate the fallout. Navigate is a word I find myself using often to describe how I deal with people and their personalities. At times it feels like treading in a minefield!
    All I can say Ann, is more and more I feel I need to go back to basics. Spend time in the word and in prayer allowing our God to renew and restore my mind and heart. We need all the fruit of the Spirit in order to navigate, negotiate and most of all, love, well. I pray daily that He would cultivate those fruit in me – through pruning, nourishing, fertilizing, watering, digging around roots where necessary.
    I think also He uses these very challenging situations multi-dimentionally. In our own lives to do that cultivating, refining, character-shaping, to reveal His faithfulness. And in others’ lives to draw them and do the same.
    It’s definitely helpful to remind ourselves that difficult, even abusive, people are also those He longs to redeem, to care for and have relationship with. That our war is not against flesh and blood. And maybe sometimes in order to keep that war in the right sphere we do need to distance ourselves in the natural.
    He promises to perfect that which concerns us and to complete the good work He has begun in us. He is our refuge, our shield, our strength. We can rest in His love and under the shelter of His wings.
    And one day, Ann, there will be no more tears. So much love x

    Reply
    1. Ann Hutchison Avatar
      Ann Hutchison

      So good, Julianne. Thank you for all of this — these are great words.

      Reply
  7. Ian Acheson Avatar
    Ian Acheson

    Oh, dear friend … this is hard to read. I want to shelter you from this pain, but I know God and Bryce’s shelter are better. I can’t imagine how difficult it has been for you, reliving what you thought had passed.

    Thank you for sharing so vulnerably.

    And thank you for your reflections; they’re excellent.

    Big hugs, my friend.

    Reply
    1. Ann Hutchison Avatar
      Ann Hutchison

      Ian, thank you! Yes, it was rather a melancholy post to write, my heart was sad as I wrote it, and I’d been delaying writing it really, for months. Thanks for listening and journeying along as a friend.

      Reply
  8. Jan Avatar
    Jan

    Ann, I am so sorry for what is happening. I’ve been learning a lot about how trauma affects us spiritually, physically and generationally. It’s, truly, unbelievably impactful. I pray you continue to find victory over the trauma of your situation.

    I am actually on the opposite end of a similar situation, a younger sister of mine has cut me (and one other sister) from their life. I have no idea what I’ve done because all they’ve said is, “I can’t be around you.” In trying to reconcile over the years, she digs in more, and I react more vehemently toward her. Not very Christian-like but honest. She received the tsunami of my honest assessment of her behavior toward her children and our family, and that was the nail in the coffin.

    Now, I watch an elderly mother who no longer can invite every family member to dinner. I watch cousins miss weddings of cousins because of this divide. My siblings and I have forgotten at times that we ever had a younger sister. Nearly 8 years of relationship with nieces and nephews has been lost. Generational impact. Not to mention the anger, anxiety, frustration, unforgiveness, etc. that circles around again and again. My frustration at having no understanding of “why;” my anger that she has no concern about her 82YO mother’s suffering because of it.

    I read your story, and I again wonder, “Did I do something so horrendous to cause this?” I tried to apologize for whatever it was, but she refuses to reconcile. In the meantime, she has left Christianity and is deep into new age (reiki, tarot, etc.). It’s dark. All of it.
    Your story gives me insight to consider and a reminder to pray for a softened heart toward her. I do not know if we will ever reconcile. From what I know of you, I believe you are making decisions that are in perfect alignment with Christ, and I pray to do the same on the other side.

    Reply
    1. Ann Hutchison Avatar
      Ann Hutchison

      Hi Jan, that’s so difficult. In my situation I also have a very distressed mother, and that breaks my heart: We all want our mothers to be ok, especially. It’s interesting that your sister has actually gone down a dark path — That suggests that your perspective is more likely to be the one in line with God’s heart, if you’re a praying person and she’s not.
      I pray, God, please reveal more to Jan. Please give her revelation about this, and help her walk it out with your heart.
      Jan….. we keep going huh! Lots of love x

      Reply
  9. Pam R Osborne Avatar
    Pam R Osborne

    Ann, I love how you’ve taken the time to let the Holy Spirit work in this circumstance. One thing I know is that these types of wounds take time to heal.
    Out of curiosity, I did an AI search on biblical principles of boundaries. This is what came back. Very interesting.
    *******************
    Setting boundaries is often misunderstood as being “un-Christian” or “unloving,” but biblically speaking, boundaries are actually a requirement for stewardship and genuine love. Without them, we don’t give out of joy; we give out of resentment or compulsion.

    Reply
    1. Lynn Donovan Avatar
      Lynn Donovan

      This is so good Pam. If you think about it, God has boundaries. And when those boundaries are violated it’s called sin. Praise God He calls us higher and there is forgiveness. Love you girl

      Reply
    2. Ann Hutchison Avatar
      Ann Hutchison

      Hi Pam, yes! That’s a great definition of boundaries. I especially liked the bit about not giving out of compulsion.

      Reply
  10. Jill Avatar
    Jill

    What a wise post. I’m very sorry, Ann, for the abuse you endured but I’m grateful to God that he has been with you through it all and that your story gets to be used to lift others up. Your post has answered many questions for me regarding how to deal with someone whom you love but can be abusive. The Lord has helped me heal many wounds from my past so that I can now love them better. I pray for the Holy Spirit to expand my capacity to love those whom have hurt me because that is the path of Christ and he loved me first and the most and I do it for him. Praise be to God!

    Reply

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