Spiritually Unequal Marriage

Subscribe

Let’s Talk About Abuse and Reconciliation

Ann Hutchison

Hello my friends, Ann here. Lynn is talking about such an important topic at the moment: Difficult personalities in families. I think many of us deal with a situation or…

Hello my friends, Ann here.

Lynn is talking about such an important topic at the moment: Difficult personalities in families. I think many of us deal with a situation or two in our family where there is someone with a difficult personality. Would that be true to say?

If I look at Bryce’s and my two extended families there are some personalities in the family who are so easy to deal with and others who are little more complex LOL.

Jesus said:

“If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:46, NIV).

I’m now going to tell you about something that happened to me in 2024. It’s not a very easy thing to share, and I hope I use the right words. I pray God will cover it.

Some of you might remember I had to take a month off from leading and writing SUM at the time. Something bad happened.

I have someone in my life who, when I was a teenager, was abusive towards me. I perceive they were abusive; they do not. They weren’t always abusive, they were also very nice at times, and I loved them — I still do.

When I grew up, the abuse stopped for about fifteen years, and we went on to have a good relationship. But I was always on edge because of the memory.

In 2024 that person did it again, displaying the exact same behaviour as they did when I was a teenager. In that moment I experienced what I would describe as a trauma reaction instantly and ran out of their house. I then went on to shake and cry, on and off, for a week afterwards. Bryce was with me, and together we had the most terrible time afterwards as we were both so upset.

The strength of my reaction surprised me. In the weeks that followed, the memory of the event played and replayed in my mind, over and over, and made me feel physical reactions to the trauma.

Since then, I have not been able to be in contact with that person again, nor go near their house, although they are part of my family’s connections. I simply cannot do it. I have written them a letter explaining the behaviour that I want them to stop, and they have rejected my viewpoint. They do not believe that their behaviour was abusive.

So I have been estranged from this person, which makes it difficult for certain people who are connected to both of us, and of course that sits very uncomfortably for me as a Christian. I am taking time to work this through. After eighteen months of thinking about it, here are some thoughts:

Well, those are the thoughts that have formed, for me, over one and a half years of walking this out. I am still working on it, and it’s difficult. I pray for reconciliation in my situation, but the circumstances have to be ripe for it.

Each situation is different. God knows all about it and guides us.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Ann

Ann Hutchison

Meet the Author

Comments

7 responses

  1. Maria Avatar
    Maria

    I am very sorry for what you endured and the struggles that abuse has caused you. I was raised in a very dangerous abusive home my mother used to always tell me how much she hated me (because I cried when I was a baby) and she never forgave me for it. She was always threatening to kill me constantly calling me horrible names laughing at me mocking me making fun of me. The name calling was part of daily life – she’d say “I’m going to think of a new name to call you today. Then she’d smirk and say “stup” that’s what I’m going to call you “stup”. Hey pass the salt stup” “stup” was her short version of stupid. For 2 days she forced me to eat a hard boiled egg- I was not allowed any other food until I finished it. I kept trying but I could not keep it down – she’d then call me a dirty disgusting pig. She did make me eat it eventually. She was always telling me I was ugly because I looked like my dad’s side of the family – his mother especially. I was thin with small features-green eyes blonde hair – she actually truly hated that. My entire childhood I remember her calling me filthy names because I looked like my dad’s mother. To add to the terror my mother had a severely mentally ill son who was older than me. He was huge and he was “her baby Huey”. I have physical scars from the many times he tried to kill me. He even kidnapped me when I about 3 years old (I remember) and he took me on a death march shoving me down into the gravel on this long back road dragging me until there was a very busy road and he pushed me in front of a car and he ran away. All I can remember afterwards was a pretty blonde haired woman with her hair neatly up kneeling down in front of me holding me and I was crying. I remember nothing else about that incident. There were so many attacks from that giant insane creature- too many for me to write. He threw a glass bottle of bleach at me it shattered – there was glass everywhere my skin was on fire -my father who usually away on a drunk- was home that time and I remember him putting me in a bath and running cold water all over me. He came close to killing me again the day he threw a paper weight at my head – it barely missed I ran but then he cut my wrist so deeply with broken glass that blood was squirting up into the air – I was about 5 years old. I ran outside for help as he was chasing me threw the house as soon as I got outside he ran back in. I remember neighbors came from everywhere holding me down on the grass with towels to stop all the blood. He was constantly attacking me hitting me punching me trying to poke my eyes out smothering me pillows in the middle of the night. He was always in and out of Northville State Hospital sometimes he would live there on the grounds-that was called Hawthorn Center but my mother always picked him up every single Friday night for the weekend. That was the only time there was food in the house. She would cook really weird food for him his favorite dishes- “spotted dick” pickled pigs feet. He would eat all the groceries she would buy for his big weekends home – there was nothing left during the week after he’d go back on Sunday nights. One time I hid some crackers and cereal under my bed – my mother found it she became very angry and called me a filthy pig for hoarding food. Every Sunday night when she had to take him back – at the hospital check in there was staff at the sign in counter who would ask her how the weekend went and every time she would lie. She would stand there and tell staff how gentle kind quiet that huge monster was and he would stand there with a smirk on his face. She NEVER told anyone how just before in the car he would punch me in the head all the way back to Northville psych hospital or about all the continual weekend violent attacks. As young as I was I knew if I would have told staff what was really going on -I was terrified of what my mother would have done to me + also I wasn’t sure if I would have been believed- the way that manic “acted” at Northville the staff had zero idea about his violence. My mother and her son “lived for weekends”. So her boy was always on his best behavior at Northville psych hospital and her constantly lying for him -they had everyone completely fooled. My mother would always look at him and say “See you next Friday Jim-Jim-have a good week mommy loves you” I would count each passing week day until the dreaded Friday came again. Then sometimes my mom would say “Jimmy’s coming home to live again” and I never knew if I was going to survive . My dad was a drunk – he was never around – no protection no one for any help. Fast forward – I did survive – I grew up moved out and I eventually got my Masters Degree and married a nice man. After I was an adult I felt so guilty and condemned for not speaking to my mother -I felt like I was such a sinner. On and off for awhile I did try to have a relationship with her but she kept telling me how much she hated me and would scream she still wanted to kill me – because I cried when I was a baby. Eventually I became so depressed – my husband even kept telling me to stay away from her. For my spiritual/mental/physical safety so God could start healing me I had to realize I was not sinning by breaking off all contact with her – she was a demon. Also because I was no longer around to beat up – her son was now very violent with her beating her up bloody. She was so crazy/irrational she actually once told me she was forced to bring him home or he’d beat her up if she didn’t. She still lied to hospital staff and still brought him home every weekend until the day she died. Her insane son lives in a group home now because all the psych hospital have long been closed – he’s still dangerous. God gave peace about staying away from her – He clearly showed me/revealed to me how evil she was. There are some people for our safety we absolutely cannot have any contact with. Evil people are like poisonous snakes that can’t be trusted. Each day God has to continually heal me of the emotional scars from my abusive childhood. It was all so scary I never knew what it was to be a kid. I do have a good life now and keep trying to move forward with God – it’s hard though on some days. Sorry this was so long. I pray God gives you the peace you need.

    Reply
    1. Lynn Donovan Avatar
      Lynn Donovan

      Maria,

      It’s absolutely devastating to read what has happened to you. There are no words that I can say that could bring comfort. I praise the Lord Jesus that you found him because he can heal and restore your true identity.

      It’s absolutely horrible. What you live through and there was a lot of demonization and mental illness. Every time Jesus protected you because you have a life of meaning and purpose and power. I bless you in a greater strength, greater identity in Christ and peace in the Holy Spirit, my dear sister. I bless you in the mighty name of our king Jesus. Amen.

      Reply
      1. Maria Avatar
        Maria

        Thank you – your kind words mean more than you will ever know. God bless – Maria

        Reply
  2. Bethann Zampol Avatar
    Bethann Zampol

    Thank you for sharing. I am the person who is loving both the abuser and abused. You words bring me comfort that two people who I love so much can someday find reconciliation, but I need to let it be in God’s and their timing
    that is very hard for a mother.

    Reply
    1. Lynn Donovan Avatar
      Lynn Donovan

      Bethann, I pray for the Holy Spirit and angelic to protect your tender heart. I pray for wisdom to know how to have boundaries and ways to find hope and help for you and your family. I pray you are full in your identity in Christ and that you know He is always with you. I pray blessings and all of God’s love and goodness around you. I pray you find your way out of abuse and into God’s protection. In Jesus Mighty name. AMEN

      Reply
  3. Lynn Donovan Avatar
    Lynn Donovan

    Ann, it’s as if you wrote this post just for me.

    Someone’s access to you is a gift not an automatic, right. Wisdom from heaven. And so true.

    Thank you so much, Ann. You blessed me today. I love you deeply.

    Reply
  4. Martha Bush Avatar
    Martha Bush

    Thanks, Ann, for sharing your story. My family is going through a similar situation now; one that leaves me helpless to fix. Only the Holy Spirit can move each person through the steps you have outlined. Blessings to you for passing this on.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *