Spiritually Unequal Marriage

Subscribe

· · ·

Here I Go Again…..
Where DO We Draw the Line?

I’m in a quandary.  I have shared with you in past months how comparing our spouse to another spouse is a toxic occupation. For example we try not to notice…

I’m in a quandary. 

I have shared with you in past months how comparing our spouse to another spouse is a toxic occupation. For example we try not to notice but can’t help to observe how “Cindy’s” husband (not her real name) is amazingly considerate of her. We watch her husband with the kids and think, "Wow, what a great Dad.”. He opens the door for Cindy after parking the car and they walk toward the worship center holding hands. We know this man stops for flowers every Friday on his way home from work. Etc., etc. etc….. 

And to top it off, the man prays with his wife. 

Boy howdy, that green buzzard of envy takes up residence in our hearts at times. It’s not that we want THAT guy but we sure wish our forgetful and less considerate spouse would take a lesson or two. 

So, here is what’s bugging me. 

Without comparing our marriage to others we wouldn’t know when we are in a dangerous or seriously harmful relationship. Without comparisons, would we know when behaviors are outside the boundaries of a healthy marriage relationship? On the flip side, we need good examples. We need to view other marriages to understand the Biblical model and learn to emulate a Godly marriage. 

However, at what point do we go too far. Where is the danger in comparisons and where is the benefit? Where do we draw the line? Is the line a moving target? 

I ask this question because I don’t know. So, I’m asking you. Where is the balance? Do we dare compare? 

Okay, let me hear your thoughts. This is going to be a great conversation and I will tell you as I hit the publish button, I prayed over this conversation that the Lord would lead us to His truth. 

Be blessed, Lynn
PS. 

Will be checking in and joining the conversation.

Comments

13 responses

  1. nithya Avatar
    nithya

    my friend is married to an believer. Everyday morning they pray together. when i heard it i thought of myself. Every day morning while I am praying my husband will be sleeping. when this thought and other comparing thoughts came into my mind i couldn’t concentrate in our conversation and couldn’t encourage her with my whole heart in her needs.
    comparing caused two problems in me , one i couldn’t encourage people who i feel like more blessed than me. other one is i couldn’t love the life and calling given to me by GOD.
    But God told me to change my attitude. Then comparing brought one good blessing that is an intense prayer from my heart to Jesus for salvation of my husband.

    Reply
  2. Denise Avatar
    Denise

    We cannot, and must not compare our marriage with another. When we do, we will lose focus upon our own marriage, and we cannot do that. Every marriage is different, with it’s own strengths, and weaknesses. There is no perfect marriage, and a unequally yoked, has extra burdens involved. We must keep our eyes upon our own marriage, and totally focused upon our true Bridegroom, Who will ultimely answer all of our prayers concerning our marriages.

    Reply
  3. Angie Avatar
    Angie

    I think it is best to look to God’s word for guidance on what our marriages should be. When looking at other couples we only see part of the picture. Many times through the years I have been shocked to find out that a marriage I thought was “perfect” was hiding terrible problems or had ended. God shows us in the Bible what He intended a marriage to be like. I try to look to Him for that example, not at other couples.
    Angie

    Reply
  4. Tami Boesiger Avatar
    Tami Boesiger

    Isn’t there a difference between observing and comparing? I can observe what works for other couples without placing expectations on my husband. I can learn from others without belittling myself. I can implement ideas I see in other marriages. But to say, “they pray together and we don’t” or “if only my husband did what he does” isn’t beneficial at all.

    Reply
  5. Lynn Avatar
    Lynn

    Tami,
    Wise words indeed. Excellent. Hugging you girl. Lynn

    Reply
  6. Marian Struble Avatar
    Marian Struble

    Interesting topic Lynn. I remember one day actually looking at my husband and in my frustration, screaming, “Why can’t you be like _________?” Thank God, he doesn’t remember that season!!!!! And now that I know more about the guy I was comparing him to, thank God he’s not like him either!
    As I read your post, I thought What could happen if we applied those observations and comparisons differently? What if we took the things like and don’t like and examined ourselves? For example: If you see a couple praying with one another change it from “Why won’t my husband pray with me?” to something like “How can I incorporate more prayer for my husband, myself, and our marriage into my life?” Or, if we see something positive, “What could I do to bring that element, feeling, etc. into my life or our relationship?”
    The list is endless. Comparing myself or my spouse to someone else has never worked. Comparisons just add to insecurity because we feel and make us feel “less than” instead of just different I have found my comparisons are more about what I need or want personally.
    I recently read an article by John Trent, Phd called “Dance With Your Differences.” What if we celebrated the differences instead of always wishing for what the other one had? I could go on for hours but this is your blog! Thanks for the discussion! It’s a good one.

    Reply
  7. Deborah Avatar
    Deborah

    I’ve caught myself getting upset because my husband wasn’t doing the stuff I saw other husband’s doing…but I didn’t marry those guys. As my husband says…if I never get you flowers, you really don’t expect me to ever get you flowers. So I stopped comparing. He does other stuff that may not be as visual for me….I have to learn to be content in that.
    We as women also want to brag about our husbands to other women….could that be a way of making other women think better of us and feel bad about their marriages (unconsciously)?

    Reply
  8. donetta Avatar
    donetta

    Hello Cloud Walker 🙂
    Wow great topic
    On the flip side
    “I am so grateful that mine is not like so and so…”
    Well that even begs the Question how much do we love so and so and his wife? We need to be praying for them and not comparing. That’s why there are always four fingers pointing back at us when we extend that old pointer finger. We have our own hearts to tend too.
    Being “real” is the beginning of being real. Lots of masks are pretty but the flesh is rotting underneath them when or IF they ever get removed.
    And what of the honorable man? Why set him up for a fall from pride. Pride comes before one.
    It is not wise to compare for there will always be greater and lessor.
    After 29 years of marriage (a loving one) with my spiritual brother in Christ just now God Changed “God”…Who? God….
    Changed his heart on tithe. Now, NOT out of the fear I lived with all those years with but out of his own heart we will tithe. If we TRY even if successful to change another it is only true internal change when it comes from whom??? 🙂

    Reply
  9. rosheeda Avatar
    rosheeda

    You know, I’ve been thinking about this post since I first read it and I wasnt sure what I thought of it. But now i have some thoughts…
    I think comparing is just a bad idea, all the way around. Because even for relationships that are great right now, you never know what it took to get there. You have no idea what’s come before or the price they’ve paid to enjoy the thing that looks so desirable.
    One thing I’ve come to accept as my life unfolds is that God’s path for one is just not His path for everybody. That what might be perfectly in His will in on life would be outside His will in another. There are things that on the surface look good and seem good – and for some they are. You look on and you think, that’s the right way to do thing, why cant my life just be… but becaues of whatever God has in store for you, in your life, that way is not the ‘right’ way…
    When we compare, we lose sight of the fact that God has uniquely fashioned each of us and that His path for us is specific to the life He calls us to lead and to the things He wants to accomplish in and thru us.
    For me personally, I think one of hte best things in the world to do is seek God to bring a mentor into your circle; that way, you have a confidant and a support without the emotional risks that come with comparing – and even observing sometimes – because unless that observation comes with a transparent sharing between you and the observed, you still don’t really know the whole story…

    Reply
  10. Karen Evans Avatar
    Karen Evans

    I was blessed to see this topic here. If I may, I want to share with you my thoughts I wrote in an article not too long ago “Lead Us Not”.
    Lead us not – Into An Affair
    …I have never had an affair nor do I have any intentions on having one. But this isn’t to say that I haven’t pondered the idea of being married to another man. Ladies, this is playing with fire. The Bible tells us to keep our minds on Christ. It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing our husbands with other men. “Why can’t my husband be like her husband?” “Why can’t I have a husband who loves me like that?” “Why can’t my husband love Jesus like he does”? What I need to do is pray for my husband. Be the wife God has me there to be and grow in the Lord. I have to understand where this can lead me if I hide in my heart the comparisons of other men to my husband. If there is anyone who is with me on this, lets give it to God. He knows what to do with it.
    Resist The Devil and he will Flee
    Since the time I gave my life back to Christ, Satan has attacked my marriage relentlessly. At one time my husband would say that I was a religious hypocrite. I got on my knees. Another time he told me that I was filled with evil. I got on my knees. He once told me that there was more God in him than in me. I got on my knees. He told me that he was more saved than I would ever know. I got on my knees. Now he tells me not to talk so much. That really hurt. That’s okay. I’ll still get on my knees. I will still pray for my husband. My husband is not who my battle is with. Satan doesn’t want us to pray for our husbands. He will do everything he can to make us not want to pray for them. And when I don’t want to pray for him, I call a friend or sister in Christ and ask them to pray for him for me when I just can’t bring myself to do it. …
    You can read the full article at the link below. I hope this helps someone.
    http://www.takerootandwrite.com/2010/02/lead-us-not-into-temptation.html#more

    Reply
  11. Lynn Avatar
    Lynn

    Wow, you are some amazing women of God. I appreciate your insights into this dilemma. I have gained new perspective on how we look at other marriages (or don’t look).
    I love our online Christian community. God is alive and well on the internet and all of you bring Him such great pleasure and you honor the name of Jesus.
    Hugging you. Love, Lynn

    Reply
  12. Chrystlyn Avatar
    Chrystlyn

    I know that comparing my life to people in my sphere of influence is wrong, but lately I have been finding myself doing just that. I am in a very difficult season of my life right now and I feel as if @ times He has forgotten about me. Lately, He has been telling me just to trust Him and change my attitude, but I am finding that hard to do because He has allowed me to face a series of disappointments in the past 3 months. I no longer find joy in serving Him and being obedient to Him because of the pain of Him allowing me to consistently be hurt. At this point in my life, I am only functioning, but my heart is not fully into being obedient to Him anymore. So, I believe there is a line between observation and comparing and I will admit I have crossed it. Until next time….

    Reply
  13. Rene Avatar
    Rene

    To me, comparing is a big no-no. Big no-no. I learned that in my previous marriage. Myself and my husband both did the comparison game…he compared me to my best friend and I compared him to his best friend (and both our best friends were married to each other). Now….my ex is married to my best friend.
    The lessons we learn!!! I am no longer bitter about this and have moved on. But’s surely made me NOT compare any longer. I try to focus on my marriag and how GOD wants us to live, communicate, etc. If we focus on everyone elses marriage and not our own, how can we honestly say we are TRULY putting 100% into our marriage and TRULY trusting God to guide us. By comparing…we are basically telling God “excuse me…THIS is what I want…yea…make that happen God”. We all know…It doens’t work THAT way.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *