Spiritually Unequal Marriage

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Hi Everyone,  I have found a new and dear friend in the editor of Flourish Magazine. Myra is an amazing woman of God who is filled with a passion to…

Hi Everyone, 

I have found a new and dear friend in the editor of Flourish
Magazine. Myra is an amazing woman of God who is filled with a passion to help
women flourish in the love of Jesus Christ. Most of you know that Dineen and I
are regular contributors to the bi-monthly magazine. This month’s issue is all
about fear and I wrote an article that is just for all of us who are
spiritually mismatched.

I sure hope you have a chance to get a copy. And in fact,
Myra has offered to give me 10 free copies to give away. So here is how you can
enter to receive a copy from me along with a note and a prayer. In the
January/February issue I will be writing about sex. Now, I’ve written on this
topic before and even share a tiny bit about the bedroom in our book. I have
very strong feelings about being open and honest about sex because it seems to
me Christian women especially are so very confused and guilt ridden about this entire
matter. And to make things worse the “church” is not addressing this topic
nearly enough. 

So, here is where you come in. I would really like my
article in the magazine to address something YOU would love to read about. And
it must pertain to being spiritually mismatched. Don’t be shy because this
could be a real opportunity to truly help many couples. I know a common issue
for the spiritually mismatched is this: After you marry and come to Christ or
recommit to your faith, things you once did in the bedroom now make you feel
uncomfortable and you don’t want to do them anymore. However, your husband is
ticked off because you used to be “game” and now after this Jesus guy moved in,
you are no fun? 

Anyone??? 

How about this? Have you ever wondered what is “allowed” and
what is not? Okay, some of my thoughts. Don’t be shy. If you leave a comment,
you are entered into the drawing to receive one of the ten copies of the
magazine. Thanks my friends. Have a wonderful weekend. Hugs, Lynn 

Comments

29 responses

  1. Heather Passuello Avatar
    Heather Passuello

    Seriously Lynn, you make me smile! This topic is right up my alley! I’ve never been shy about this area in my life and I can relate to this. I used to be game for seriously anything, I would try whatever he wanted to do and I would even come up with some crazy things myself to keep it “interesting.” I have to admit that the reason I would do these things to make him happy. After I got saved, it was a slow transition and I realised that if both partners are not comfortable doing something, then you don’t do it. It’s not fun if both partners are not in agreement with the activity.
    He used to get pretty upset and sex kind of stopped or slowed way down for awhile. I think after a while he started to somewhat understand why I didn’t want to do certain things. Now our sex life is pretty awesome! (wink)

    Reply
  2. Heather Renee Avatar
    Heather Renee

    I’m the same as the other Heather, Game for anything. Never have an issue. And because my hubby and I spend lots of time apart the sex can be awesome when we reconnect! It’s trying to keep the intimacy when we are apart that’s hard. He wants me to send naked Picts via the cell phone. I comply because I don’t have too much a problem with it because I trust he’d never do anything with them and I’d rather have him look at me than porn. But I know of lots of other women in my situation who can’t do this and it becomes a conflict for them. Guess I’m hanging it all out there! 😉

    Reply
  3. Heather Avatar
    Heather

    Lynn & Heather…
    Sisters, you’re so not alone; we need to protect ourselves from what we’re not comfortable with – but know for sure what God says about marriage & that He created Sex to be intimate between us. I still struggle some days with this & sex thrives & struggles come; but I’m thankful my hubby has opened up to discussing to my feelings & I too listen to his. This magazine looks great; thanks for sharing!

    Reply
  4. Heather Avatar
    Heather

    Sorry Lynn… I forgot, did you want us to share something else we’d like to read about in articles??
    Something I struggle with now: my youngest (11) doesn’t want to attend church, because daddy doesn’t go – why should he? Thankfully, most of the time my husband supports that he (my son) should go to church with me – there is no choice as that what we do on Sunday’s. Some Sunday’s can be missed occasionally of course if you’re sick, or want to go shooting/hunting/hang out with dad – but not a habit.

    Reply
  5. Liz Avatar
    Liz

    Something that I have struggled with is that my intimate relationship with my husband started prior to marriage, sometimes it hard to see that God wants to bless a relationship that was started in sin. It’s also a weird conflict because I still look back fondly, yet feel guilty.

    Reply
  6. Carie Avatar
    Carie

    I’m having a real issues with this subject and have been for quite a while now. I know it’s wrong not to give myself to my husband, but something is gone and I don’t know how to get it back. It’s not completely non-existent, but it’s definitely not healthy. I can come up with a million reasons why and I know they’re all wrong. And, I really don’t even like to call it sex, but sometimes that’s just what it is. I believe there are deep, underlying issues that I need to deal with, but they make me feel ugly. We were sexually active before we were married and we have 5 beautiful together. My husband is a “PDA” person, me not so much. I don’t feel comfortable when he “cops a feel” in public and other people see, it makes me feel cheap. I am supposed to be his treasure, how can this be? I’ve been asking God to restore my passion for my husband and do not want to cause him to sin. I don’t even know if this is what you are looking for, just sharing my heart. Could really use some advice. Have a blessed day!

    Reply
  7. adahea34@hotmail.com Avatar
    adahea34@hotmail.com

    Hey Liz,
    I do understand what you are saying because I too was sexually active with my husband prior to marriage. I have seen this very issue wreck the intimate bond between husband and wife with a friend. When we are saved, we are cleansed from ALL sins, past, present, and future. Satan is at work when something from your past is used to destroy the future. You cannot let the fact that you started out wrong, stop you from doing it right, if you know what I mean.
    I sometimes look back and feel shame, but I did what I did before I knew Jesus. Sex is fun, but it’s even better when it’s finally done right, no matter how many times you did it wrong.
    Remember, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
    Lord Jesus,
    I ask right now that you would release Liz from the guilt of the past. I ask that you show her how much you love her no matter where she has been or where she is at. I ask that the intimacy between Liz and her husband be blessed and that you show each of them that they are precious to you. I thank you that although we fall short, you meet us where we are at and make us righteous through Jesus. Replace feelings of guilt and regret, with love and feelings of growth. Our mistakes and trials teach us and helps us to be closer to you. For this I praise your High name. Amen.
    Liz, today is the only day that matters…..enjoy your husband 😉
    With Love,
    Heather P

    Reply
  8. Sabrina Avatar
    Sabrina

    I have been waiting for a reason to post about a book I’m reading! I can’t wait to read what Lynn writes, because honestly, I need all the help I can get, but I’m reading this book right now: Intimate Issues,21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex, written by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus. It’s an excellent resource and puts things into a Godly perspective. The world makes sex feel cheap and dirty, but that is not the way that God intended it.
    I could really care less most of the time about having sex. It’s not high on my priority list, even though I know it should be. I have been praying and asking God to just help me to want to be with my husband. And he does give me….hmmm, strength? Perseverence? Not sure what word I want to use….but he helps me get through it and sometimes even like it 🙂 Imagine….:)
    I am not an “all out there kind of girl.” I’m a self proclaimed prude. I think in general, and from all the reading that I have been doing, which is a lot…within the boundries of marriage, most things are ok as long as you both agree. Although I guess the challenge is agreeing….Can’t wait to see what you write about Lynn!

    Reply
  9. Gillian Avatar
    Gillian

    Please enter me too, I’m not sure if this will be helpful or not, but it’s what I felt compelled to share.
    Sex is meant to be a recommitment of our marriage vows. So, when we say yes to our husbands we are saying, ‘yes, I still choose YOU’.
    This is such a difficult area for all of us I think.
    The Theology of the Body teaching is incredible in this area.
    One of the big things that struck me from a talk etc: The body makes visible what is invisible… When we look at our spouse we see their body but that’s all there is to see. We can’t see their soul, but their body before our eyes represents their God-given life, their soul.
    This pertains to being spiritually mismatched because so often we look at our spouses and it’s like they are in a different world, they are in the world here and we often are not, and it’s easy to lose sight of how they too have a spiritual side, since they don’t usually acknowledge it. Remembering that this is just one more of God’s invisible realities helps me feel like we are not worlds apart after all.
    More of this teaching, that the gift husband gives to wife in the gift of his body mirrors creation, because he fills the woman with life. It is a tremendous gift.
    If you haven’t heard the teaching I would encourage you to look up Christopher West. I’m sure there would be videos on youtube.

    Reply
  10. Brooke Avatar
    Brooke

    Hey Lynn,
    I don’t know if this helps, but how about the issue of separating sex in our minds from other gifts given by God? I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes we don’t view sex as something from God, so it feels “weird” to pray about it, or ask God to bless it. If we are Christians though, God should be at the center of everything in our lives. In my own marriage, sometimes sex has been the only real intimate connection that my husband was willing to have with me. I learned to pray before (and even during sometimes) for God to bless it and use it to draw my husband close to both me and Him. It became not about what I was feeling during intimacy, but about what could God do out of this blessed time together. Hope I am making sense. 🙂

    Reply
  11. Theresa Avatar
    Theresa

    Hi Lynn,
    The magazine seems awesome! What about when due to being spiritually mismatched (and other issues) that a couple is not intimate very often since their relationship outside of the bedroom is strained, it is also strained in the bedroom.

    Reply
  12. judy Avatar
    judy

    My husband separated from me physically over 10 yrs ago according to him because of my faith. Separate bedrooms the whole nine yards. He is addicted to pornography and I believe that has as much to with the lack of intimacy as anything. However, he tells me he loves me and cannot imagine his life without me. he does not want to live apart, but yet we live like roommates basically. No action of the sexual kind to back that up and there continues to be issues with other women. I am not 58 and I have learned to adjust to this lifestyle. I tried for years to be sexually attractive to him, but eventually got tired of the rejection. So, I love Jesus. I pray for my husband. And, I trust God. And, God has never directed me to separate from him or divorce. I have a full life with my spiritual family, my children, my job, I mentor, and have great friends, so I thank God for my blessings and try to keep moving forward. Some days that is easy, some days not.

    Reply
  13. judy Avatar
    judy

    That should read, I am now 58…

    Reply
  14. Tamara Avatar
    Tamara

    Hi Liz – I would like to say something: you had sex before marriage – that is not Gods will – but…………..there is a HUGE difference between
    a sin
    and that God wants to bless a relationship that was started in sin
    I too slept with my hubbie before marriage – I too repented that after I became a christian but that doesnt mean our relationship was started in sin – it means there was sin …..
    the relationship is two people who love each other and commit a lifetime of marriage to each other –
    if sex was the ONLY sin, well then I would agree that our relationships were started in sin, but HALLELUJA sex isnt the only sin, …..I know alot of christian marriages that are sexual-pure at the altar and still…..they have “other” sins they will need to repent and heal from.
    so relax, Jesus has this one for us – we are forgiven! our relationships = marriage = Gods Will = Amen
    dear Lynn – I would like to ask; is it Gods Will …that we wives-husbands that are married to “not yet repented” spouses have to always have sex, even when we are hurting inside because they turned down the offer of Jesus?
    example: we go to church together, have a nice sunday – but Jack doesnt want to visit with my christian friends, wants to do “normal” activities after church and for dessert tells me that he really doensnt need this church repentance story and jesus allows for porno and going out drinking etc…..and while my hearts sinks, and starts bleeding…..I try to gain composure and then…..he tells me he loves me and wants sex and……that is the last thing on my list tonight….
    any thoughts on that one? thanks and hugs and blessings Tamara
    ps dont put me in the freebies – I live in europe and to postal service is so expensive – ggg

    Reply
  15. Cat Rafalko Avatar
    Cat Rafalko

    I do feel most sex is acceptable if it’s with your spouse and you are both comfortable with it… I would love for my ladies bible study to read /study song of songs and really get the meaning of what father desires for our marriages… My husband refuses to talk about our sex life and it’s suffering greatly. He refuses counseling… I have been counseling alone, but if he’s not involved where’s that going? We need deep prayer on this issue. I also struggle with my sons asking why they have to go to church if dad does not. Thanks for bringing these difficult issues to the surface. Communication is paramount 🙂

    Reply
  16. Liz Avatar
    Liz

    Thanks for your prayers Heather P. My husband and I separated right now but I am believing God for full restoration.

    Reply
  17. Heidi Avatar
    Heidi

    I struggle too because our relationship outside the bedroom is strained, so in the bedroom it’s nonexistent. This comes more from my husband though and he uses that as an excuse. Someone made a good point about praying for that aspect of our marriage and I will do that!!

    Reply
  18. Amanda Jean Avatar
    Amanda Jean

    Oh Lynn, sex is definitely an “pressure point” in my marriage. Like most of the other posts, I was intimate with my husband before marriage and most of our “sin” centered around sex. From allowing porn in our bedroom to having strippers at birthday parties, we explored lots of things. Because we are mismatched, this is often the way we find our way back to each other when tensions rise between us from other things. With reclaiming Christ as my Lord after marriage things have shifted focus A LOT. We are still intimate often with fun and he says that our intimacy “confuses” him at times because he gets flashes of who “we” once were even though we don’t do the same things. My husband thinks that Christian sex is supposed to be “boring” and I do my best to show him things from Song of Solomon to prove otherwise. I guess what I’m asking is how can I convince my husband that we are still “we”, but not with the sin that we once accepted from the world as “ok”? How can I show him that my faith is real even though intimacy between us is fun? I hope you will write about how past sexual experience interfere with the spiritually mismatched marriage. I’d love the advice and insight!

    Reply
  19. Amanda Jean Avatar
    Amanda Jean

    I also liked Gillian’s comment “More of this teaching, that the gift husband gives to wife in the gift of his body mirrors creation, because he fills the woman with life. It is a tremendous gift.” This sounds like an awesome study. I will definitely bring this up the next time me and my husband are on this topic 🙂

    Reply
  20. L. Avatar
    L.

    Wow. I am looking forward to reading the article. It’s comforting to know others are going through the same issues. My husband is Christian, goes to church on Sundays, and prays with our family at bedtime, but we still don’t have a match when it comes to spirituality. It shows up in the bedroom and in different feelings about what is appropriate and what is not both together and apart. I’m there with Carrie, and I’m not sure PDA’s and private touching (or what should be private) are the same thing. Sex is not on my top list of priorities, but the more I pray, the easier it becomes to understand my husband’s priority list and how it differs from mine although we still have a long way to go with trust issues. I’m eager to read the article and hoping that some of our more private discussions are brought into the open without my having to ask publicly for help. Thank you girls for being so open about a topic that makes most of us shy.

    Reply
  21. Marian Avatar
    Marian

    Our sex life got worse after I got saved because he became hostile both to me and our kids with whom he is very harsh. His world view is so opposite mine and his language, thoughts, behaviors, parenting that I grew very cold. He blamed that “christians are so prude and now you are too.” I told him, no, God wants us to have sex and I shouldn’t withold it but I can’t feel the warmth anymore and I need to like/love the person I am married to. Still, I have been greatly convicted over the years and we have improved much. I am more fogiving, a more mature Christian and have learned how to be a more excellent wife in my SUM season of life. I am still light years away from where I would like to be but Jesus is guiding me daily.

    Reply
  22. Marian Avatar
    Marian

    Exactly!!! Our issue too most of the time.

    Reply
  23. Marian Avatar
    Marian

    I have prayed before and during sex to “feel” the love and for God to have me love my husband the way I used to and the way I know He wants me too. God is faithful. Sometimes He gives me these huges bursts of affection for him during other times and I know they are from God because they feel supernatural but I love it when it happens. So does my husband though he doesn’t really know or want to hear what I say it is.

    Reply
  24. Audrey Avatar
    Audrey

    What timing…I was sexually abused when I was a child. As an adult, I used sex as a way to control and it meant nothing to me. I was always the aggressor in my marriage. Once I surrendered my life to Christ, this changed quickly. Suddently God wanted to deal with my past abuse which brought all this shame to the surface. Sex has quickly become something I’m running from. What I need is permission to enjoy it with my husband. To believe that it is not shameful or dirty and that it is beautiful and enjoyable when used as God designed it.

    Reply
  25. Lorraine Sims Avatar
    Lorraine Sims

    Hi Lynn,
    I’m 51 and my husband is 52, we have been unequally yoked for 8 years now. In my desire to see my husband come to Christ, I make sure that sex remains a part of our relationship. However lately he seems to be bored with sex and don’t feel as I do that his body belongs to me and that he’s not to deny me. What can I do to get him back interested in sex and to keep him interested? We may have sex once a month if at all.

    Reply
  26. Heather Passuello Avatar
    Heather Passuello

    I am very sorry to hear that. I will pray for you. Just don’t give up, God will help you through! Love ya!

    Reply
  27. Liz Avatar
    Liz

    Thats such a great point Tamara, we put such an emphasis on certain sins, but really everything was in sin before we were cleansed through the blood of Jesus.

    Reply
  28. Liz Avatar
    Liz

    Thank you 🙂 This is not something I am actively struggling with but I did have to work through it early on(clearly a lie from the enemy) to believe that yes God wants to put back together even my unequally yoked marriage. I have no plans of giving up, God used my marriage falling apart to call me back to Him, and I do believe He is going to use it to call my husband to Him as well. It is such an amazing blessing when God teaches us how to praise Him in the storm.

    Reply
  29. Emily Avatar
    Emily

    Hi Lynn,
    I am in a spirtually mismatched marriage, but my situation is a bit different. I am a Christian woman and have been since my baptism as an infant. I am also a professional Christian (as my husband calls it). My husband is an atheist, who left the church before we even met. As a Christian, I didn’t really hear much about sex, and wish I would have more as a teen/young adult. It’s such a taboo topic in the church and I wish more Christian women would talk about the the positives of intimacy, because God created it, so it’s good! I don’t feel guilty about anything, because of the trust in or relationship, and I wonder why there is pressure to feel this way as a Christian woman.
    Those are just a few thoughts, I have so many more, but I will leave it at that for now.
    Thanks for your blog and for sharing your relationship in this way! It is truly an encouragement to me, in my first few months of marriage!

    Reply

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