I have contemplated and prayed, struggled and contemplated
about writing about what I’m about to share with you. Why? Because I don’t
really understand what to do with it. I don’t know what it means and the
implications to this ministry. But, I’m compelled to share with you my tiny
story of recent.
There are many of you who are in deep spiritual battles fighting
against the very darkness that lives in your own home. There are many of you,
my sweet friends, who have waited and waited for your spouse to change but
he/she remains distant from God. Many of you cry in the closet alone.
I too, lived where many of you live right now. I spent years
wandering around, stuck and unsure if God was even hearing my prayers. So
today, I want you to know these years that you battle, feel stuck and unheard
by God, they are precious. There is not a word spoken to God that He doesn’t
hear. There is much that He is teaching you that you do not conceive right now.
He is at work if you are sold out for Him.
How do I know? Because I have lived it. The hard, brutal
reality of all of it. I understand you and because of that I live with a
burning Holy passion to encourage you to keep on walkin’ it out because nearing
the end is beyond astonishing, beyond joyful, ……just beyond. (I’m lost for a descriptive
here.)
So I’m taking you with me back a few weeks. Listen in as my
husband joins me in the kitchen after returning from work at the end of the day
following a business meeting.
“Hey, how’d it go?” I smile as I glance up from the cutting
board where I’m chopping veggies for dinner.
“Fine.”
He walks around the kitchen island to the pile of mail on
the end and begins shuffling through the envelopes. I continue to chop. The
television is on and it’s a normal, everyday evening for the Donovan Clan. At
least that’s what I think as I chop a giant red pepper form my garden.
He looks up from the pile, “A guy I know from the company
was at the meeting today. He grabbed me during a break and told me about a new
position that could be potentially opening up and was very interested in my
application.”
I stop chopping. Look at him. He’s nonchalantly telling me
about this enormous, great new job opportunity. My eyes light up in pride and I
intently listen as he goes further to describe the position. I watch as I see
the tiniest glint of excitement in his eyes. Understand this about my man, he
is v-e-r-y low-key.
“Wow, that’s really great honey. What happens now?”
He explains.
Now here is where my world spins crazy.
He looks casually at me and says in his nonchalant style, “This
would be a really great opportunity. So I closed my eyes in the meeting and
prayed about it. I hope no one noticed my eyes were shut.”
Gulp!
WHAT??????
I don’t even remember if I said anything back to that
sentence because the implications sent my mind reeling.
So my friends, here I am. On several occasions over the past
year my husband has said to me that he prays. What does this mean? He must
believe “someone” is up there listening? Is it Jesus or God? I’m too scared to
ask him about it right now. I’m not ready for whatever the answer could or
might be. I hope you understand this. It’s scary after years and years waiting to
find out he believes or worse he really doesn’t. But he is praying on his own,
without my prompting. And in my heart I absolutely believe if you ask him, he
would say he talks with Jesus.
The next day I described this exchange with Dineen. Her
words to me were profound and I haven’t been able to remove them from my mind.
She said in the sweetest voice, “Our men are coming to faith but it isn’t like
what we imagined.”
I was struck hard with this truth. My man IS coming to
faith. It is not what I imagined nor at the pace I would have chosen but my
friends, MY FRIENDS, it’s happening.
So here is my dilemma. I told God that I would be willing to
surrender this ministry any time He said and especially when my husband comes
to faith. So I’m in this weird place. My husband believes in some way, he
believes. I now claim this because of his consistency to tell me he prays. But
he isn’t sold out about church. Doesn’t want to be baptized. Really he isn’t
likely to ever fit the “typical man at church” mold. But does any of that
matter to God?
I’m thinking perhaps not.
I don’t know what God’s plan is for me if in fact my husband
chooses not to be baptized nor to read his Bible. I don’t know what God has in
store for my husband’s baby faith. But I do know I will always, always pray for
him.
Today I accept this truth: I will ALWAYS be spiritually
mismatched in that my faith journey began so long ago. I’ve walked years with
Jesus and have traveled the through the valleys of disappointment, struggle, loneliness
to come out on the other side KNOWING that all I ever need is God’s presence.
But my husband has his own journey ahead to learn what has taken me years to
learn. Thus, we will always be spiritually mismatched. And today, I can say
with complete honesty that I’m really okay with it.
So my friends, you who are barely floating about the waves
of struggle, be encouraged because God is using you in profound ways you cannot
understand or see today. But, in the years ahead you will see with such clarity
it will bring you to your knees in such adoration and praise that tears of joy
will flow and the world will know that the God of the universe loves us beyond
our wildest imagination.
Thank you all of you in this amazing community for walking
this road with me. You are my treasure. My heart. Love, Lynn
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