Spiritually Unequal Marriage

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Beautiful Sunday Morning!

What a beautiful Sunday morning!! I am up early to read, pray and then I am going to church. Yes, I am going alone. I sincerely love going to church.…

What a beautiful Sunday morning!! I am up early to read, pray and then I am going to church.

Yes, I am going alone.

I sincerely love going to church. I feel a supernatural recharge when surrounded by like-minded people who love Jesus. Going to church alone, however, was an enormous obstacle in the early years. It was almost incapacitating emotionally when I would sit behind a couple who were, perhaps holding hands. Noticing a family together at church was crushing and I would grieve.

I would grieve my aloneness and what I thought was a broken family before God. I would become so upset that I couldn’t focus on the message, which I desperately needed to hear.

Today, I am free of that hurt and on my way to The House of the Lord! I can’t wait to get there.

This week I am going to discuss how to break free of the fears, hurts, and expectations of going to church alone.

This is one of the most difficult areas in a mismatch marriage. I want to hear how many of you have overcome. Please leave me your thoughts. Be blessed,

Lynn

Comments

23 responses

  1. Amy Avatar
    Amy

    I hope you don’t mind me asking but what does your husband think about you going to church?

    Reply
  2. eph2810 Avatar
    eph2810

    Very hard topic to tackle. I am looking forward what you will be sharing this up-coming week.
    Be blessed and have a safe Laborday…

    Reply
  3. Victoria Gaines Avatar
    Victoria Gaines

    When I was single, it was also hard for me to attend church alone. Thanks for sharing your heart and encouragement here. The Lord can and *will* help us to overcome!

    Reply
  4. Kim Avatar
    Kim

    Hi, I found your blog through One Thousand Gifts and have to share a bit with you. I married unequally as well and for the first few years of marriage, any attempt to speak to my husband about my faith became an argument. It was finally a friend at a retreat, who told me, “Talk to God about the man before you ever talk to the man about God.” What I had been doing was trying to cram my faith down his throat, instead of allowing God to work through me. What I started doing was just living out my faith in all I said and did. The arguments ceased and God began to tug on my husband’s heart. It took nearly two years, but my husband is now a Christian and attends with me every Sunday, though I remember times of feeling very sad at sitting alone.
    Keep the faith! The Lord works in mysterious ways!

    Reply
  5. EMMY Avatar
    EMMY

    i GO ALONE EVERY SUNDAY WITH MY FOUR CHILDREN UNDER AGE 7. SOMETIMES i TAKE MY 2 PRESHOOL AGE NEPHEWS WHEN MY SISTER WILL LET THEM. I FEEL SO BLESSED. IT IS LIKE A SPIRITUAL FEAST AMONG MANY OTHER LESSINGS. i USED TO NOT GO UNLESS I COULD CRY PLEAD AND GUILT TRIP MY HUSBAND INTO GOING OR ID GO WITH A I CANT BELIEVE YOUR DOING THIS TO ME ATTITUDE. ONE DAY I REALISED AFTER YEARS OF THIS THAT I WAS WASTING MY ENERGY. IT DID NOT WORK AND EVEN IF I COULD FORCE HIM TO GO TO CHURCH IT WOULD NOT MATTER BECAUSE YOU CANT FORCE SOMEONE TO BE SAVED. NOW I AM HAPPILY IN CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY ALONE1

    Reply
  6. Gayle Avatar
    Gayle

    My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. I search the internet all the time for anything on spouses of different denominations, who are still Christians, which go to separate churches. Thus…my interest in your site. I hope although the focus still seems to be on unsaved spouses, that I can find some help.
    My husband and I are both Christian, but different denominations, I am Pentecostal, he is currently converting to Orthodoxy from Catholicism. I have tried going to his church a couple of times, both times where I heard the downing of other religions.
    I have been going to church alone and experiencing the grieving that you talk about. I have prayed and prayed; there are many things about the denomination that he is converting to that I do not agree with. Any time we try to talk about it, he gets very upset and we end up arguing. I crave a time when we could worship together. When we first married he wasn’t going to church regularly, but was still occasionally going to the Catholic church, but he agreed that when we married we would go to my church, since he wasn’t that involved in his anyway.
    It didn’t work out and we began the search for the church that we would both enjoy.
    Obviously, that never happened; there were some bouts of 6 months to a year at churches, but always ending up with one of us wanting to leave.
    So we ended up attending separate churches, I’ve always wanted to be able to stay in church together, but it doesn’t look like, short of a miracle from God, that this will happen.
    I admit that I am resentful of things to do with the Orthodox religion that he is interested in, for example his viewing Orthodox sites and blogs and reading books by orthodox authors, every time I read them, they are downing the Protestant religion that I am a part of, I have told him how this hurts me and he says that it shouldn’t bother me; that just because those orthodox people say things like this, it doesn’t mean all orthodox feel the way those authors do and that he doesn’t feel that way. I feel that it still distances us and if he doesn’t agree with their stance on other religions, why does he continue to read them.
    I even feel resentment when I see him cross himself, I am beginning to see that the irony of this is that I am, in my head, downing his denomination because of my resentment of them stating their belief that they are the “one true church” and all others are just misguided and searching for the home of the Orthodox church which they should return to; So whenever he does things that show he is joined to them, I feel betrayed.
    My husband had an affair in 2002 with a woman who was Catholic, when I found out I asked him to leave and he did for a short time and then we reunited. During the time he was having the affair with the other woman, he went to church with her in a Catholic church and they shared in communion together there. In the Catholic and Orthodox church I am not allowed to take communion.
    He does not want me to have communion in the Catholic church or the Orthodox church either, because he feels that their stance that people of other religons should not take communion unless they believe like they do should be honored. This greatly upsets me that he feels this way. How could he have done what he did with her and then go into a church with her and take communion and then have the audacity to tell me that I should not take communion. I am a Christian and I feel that when and where I take communion is between me and God and that no denomination should have a say in that.
    Anyway, I have gotten off the subject, but you see my pain, I want to say that I have forgiven him, but I do still feel pain from the affair and sometimes when we argue about the religious differences I wonder if he wishes he were with her so that religion wouldn’t be an issue. I have asked him about this, but he denies it and says that they wouldn’t have worked together anyway; but I don’t think he would be honest with me if he were feeling that way. Anyway, I’m sorry that this is so long. I guess I am just looking for some empathy. Thank you for listening.

    Reply
  7. ELLIE Avatar
    ELLIE

    I JUST FOUND THIS BLOG TODAY. THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEED. THANKS TO GOD FOR LEADING ME HERE. I HAVE BEEN THRU ALL THE ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION OF GOING TO CHURCH ALONE. I NOW KNOW THAT I AM WHERE GOD WANTS ME. i WILL CONTINUE TO SEEK THE KINGDOM OF GOD FIRST. IF MY HUBBY DOESN’T GO, THEN THAT IS BETWEEN HIM AND GOD. I HAVE GIVEN THE WHOLE SITUATION TO GOD.
    I STILL DON’T LIKE GOING ALONE. ALSO NOT BEING ABLE TO SHARE WHAT GOD IS SHOWING ME. HE DOESN’T WANT TO HERE IT. IF GOD WANTED ME SOMEWHERE ELSE, HE WOULD MAKE THAT HAPPEN. I KNOW I AM LEARNING MANY LESSONS ALONG THE WAY.
    I AM SO HAPPY THAT I FOUND THIS SITE.

    Reply
  8. Charlie Avatar
    Charlie

    I came across this site and wanted to offer hope in our great God for those of you who have unequal marriages. I was engaged to my wife the same week in 1978 that I received Christ as my savior. I went to church alone many times after we were married, but finally, after about 18 years of marriage, my wife believed in Christ and now is a strong believer. She leads bible studies, and together we minister to married couples in our church. Praise the Lord! There is hope in Jesus for everything. All things are possible with Him!

    Reply
  9. Sarah Avatar
    Sarah

    I, along with many of the others who’ve left posts, am So Happy I found this sight -growing up in a Christian home going to church every Sunday and even christian school, I was always told “never date someone who is an unbeliever”. I did, and now we’ve been married for about a year and a half and I am finally understanding why that was good advice! I have just recently started going back to church and how I would love if my husband would come too! We share everything and I feel like he is missing the most important part of me – my relationship with God. I feel a great sense of peace that I have stumbled upon this site – i found it from a link off another blog which happened to have Jeremiah 29:11 posted. Coincidentally this is the 3rd time I have stumbled upon this verse this week – think God is trying to tell me something?

    Reply
  10. Confused Avatar
    Confused

    This site is truly a blessing. I’m currently engaged and questioning if we’re truly ready for marriage because I was raised in church and attend every Sunday. My fiance however was not raised in church so doesn’t believe you have to go to church every Sunday. He will go if I ask him but not every Sunday.
    I’m nervous that this could cause friction in our marriage…especially when/if we have children. How do you encourage your children to go to church if you’re spouse/their father doesn’t?!?!?!

    Reply
  11. Jean Avatar
    Jean

    I went on an Alpha course 7 years ago in the UK (introduction to Christianity) and became a born-again Christian. I joined an evangelical free church and thoroughly enjoyed going. My husband, a lapsed Catholic, thought I was getting involved in a cult and was very afraid but came to accept my decision and encouraged me too, but said nothing would ever get him into a church again (long story). After 3 years, an assistant pastor joined the church and after several months there was a terrible meeting where we learnt that the 2 pastors did not get on, the church split, the assistant pastor left. I was so shocked that I left, and stayed at home, what an example to my husband and non Christian friends. Then a good friend asked me to come along to the church the Assistant Pastor had formed in the same town, held in a school hall, and I went and enjoyed going, and met 2 of the best friends I’ve ever had. One is a widow, and the other is like me – her husband is not interested. However, this second church has not thrived, people have left, there’s a Sunday sermon and a few songs and that is it. The prayer meeting has about 5 people, there is an atmosphere of depression about the place. Now the Assistant Pastor has announced he is going to teach pastors in India and is leaving, he does not know when, he has just spent 3 weeks there. Now it might be anywhere in Asia, he does not know yet. He has not given in his resignation and we are unclear what is happening. Only 3 elders are left. People have offered to start ministries and have been ignored. The two pastors have still not been reconciled and that has an ongoing bad effect not just on us but on the whole town and the other churches. They preach but do not live by it. Once again there is turmoil in the church, which is again a poor witness to my husband and others, but most of all just makes me feel disillusioned with church as a whole. I don’t know whether to stay or look somewhere else, but it is lonely looking around on your own. My friends are unsettled and unhappy too. I don’t know why I go any more, why do I bother,and come home feeling depressed. Sometimes I wonder why I just don’t stay at home with my husband and read the Sunday newspapers. Any advice from anyone?? Help, please!!!

    Reply
  12. Mrs. W Avatar
    Mrs. W

    I too am in an unequal marriage, but it is somewhat different than any that I have read about. My husband believes that he is a Christian, but that attending church regularly, tithing and reading the bible are options.
    I grew up in a home where “church” played a huge part in my life. I have been a born again believer for 32 years, backsiding several times in the past but am right with the Lord at this time in my life.
    My husband and I have been married for 9 years. At various times throughout the years we have attended a worship service together but usually afterwards we end up in a heated discussion with him saying negative comments about the service, the music, the pastor or the message. It ends up that we don’t go to church again together for a long period of time, currently it has been 13 months since we went to church together.
    My husband states that I am weak for wanting to attend church on a regular basis. None of the local churchs measure up to his expectations. It has been 7 months since I went to church and this was without him as I was out of town visiting family for the weekend.
    This all being said leads me to the conclusion that he is not really saved and this breaks my heart.
    I am dying for the fellowship from other women belivers, I have lived in the current community for the past nine years and have no friends, “Christian or non”, I am so very lonely for “good” conversation with another believing female. I am in a professional career that is in a male dominated field so that doesn’t allow for making many “girl” friends.
    I am so glad that I have found your website, I will be returning often for encouragement and words of wisdom.

    Reply
  13. Stan Avatar
    Stan

    I’m a husband who is married to woman who is very spiritual and who attends church regularly. I was raised in a Christian home, and attended church regularly from childhood through college. Now, I’ve stopped going to church altogether. However, I don’t prevent my wife from going to church, I support her tithing on her income, and don’t discourage her from participating in church activities. Nevertheless, my wife is deeply saddened that I don’t attend church anymore with her, and often expresses her disappoint to me. my question is: Why is it so important for woman to attend church with their husbands? Why not be satisfied that the husband is not antagonistic to the wife’s faith?

    Reply
  14. Carla Avatar
    Carla

    I have been in a relationship with someone of a different denomination for a long time. We both agree that we would have been married already if it weren’t for our differences in some religious docterines. He has expressed doubts about having the deep intimacy between a husband and wife that he wants in his marriage if they don’t share a similar base set of beliefs. In other words, their understanding of eachother will be diminished. In his words, “How can faith come into play to resolve conflicts between spouses, if that faith is not held in common?”
    This breaks my heart, because I believe that the major ideals of our specific religions are the same. I believe that, with God’s help, a vividly intimate marriage can occur and God’s reconciling grace can come into play at every level. Whether it is the emptiness of going to church alone or the feeling that your spouse doesn’t truly appreciate the importance of your particular belief. I don’t expect marriage to be free from conflicts whether they come in the form or spirtual differences or perhaps financial differences.
    I love this man and trust him more than anyone else. I believe that when I don’t doubt his love and trust for me, I can truly open myself up to him and his beliefs. It is the same way with God. When I don’t doubt, I am truly open to His will. I think that he and I could make it through this if we can accept eachother and accept that eachother’s beliefs mean as much to them as it does to us. I realize that you cannot predict what conflicts will arise or how people may change during a lifelong marriage, but I am not looking for a guarantee.
    But, on reading many of these posts and other readings, I am starting to doubt my own conviction. If any of you knew that these issues were going to appear in your marriage, would you have gotten married anyway? Unlike you, I have not entered into this type of covenent relationship, and am basically free to move on. Knowing that a marriage with a person is likely to exhibit the struggles shown on this blog, would you give up your love for this person, for the option of loving another that would likely give you a more secure (less conflicting)spiritual marriage?
    Thank you in advance if anyone can answer this for me.

    Reply
  15. God's Guitar Girl Avatar
    God’s Guitar Girl

    Wow… What an amazing forum this is! I, too, have felt all alone in my situation. I am a 31 yr old widow with two toddlers. I lost my husband over two years ago to a tragic motorcycle accident, and He has truly carried me through and taught me a lot in the process. Fast-forward to present day: I have kissed several frogs and have found my prince charming; only, prince charming is not a believer. He believes in God, prays, willingly attends church with the kids and me, but does not accept Jesus as the Son of God. This bothers me, but I have been praying for his salvation for years now and have faith that God will finish the work He started in him until the day of Christ Jesus. The problem now is that my married, Christian friends are estranged from me because they do not accept our relationship. (They have also been negative about every guy I’ve even remotely been interested in.)We are talking about getting married, and I need to be absolutely sure this is the man for me, which I believe him to be. I don’t want to be buying trouble, but we’ve had great in-depth conversations about what we believe, and I know that God has His hand in this to begin with. Any words of wisdom?? How can I be excited about our future life together and share that with my friends, given their opinions?

    Reply
  16. Brenda Gardner Avatar
    Brenda Gardner

    My husband will not go and my three children are grown. I now have eight grandchildren. They are choosing to go to different churches. I miss not having children with me. I too get sad when I see families sitting together in one accord. I see them sharing something special. I am lonely at church and sometimes I get really sad about it. I won’t quit going though. I often invite my husband but he feels guilty when he goes because of his drinking. He will go at Christmas and Easter, otherwise I’m wasting my breath trying to get him to join me. I teach 4 and 5 year olds in Sunday School-that helps a little. I play the conga’s during the worship service, I sing with the choir, I am presently making the backdrop for the Christmas Play. I have made alot of friends at church, I just miss my family.
    BG
    BG

    Reply
  17. Virginia Avatar
    Virginia

    Brenda;
    I hope you come back to this site regularly and read this. I hope you keep going to church regularly, because every time you go, you are sending a message to your husband, and eventually, Jesus will touch his heart and he will come to church too. It doesn’t matter how hardened his heart has become. Even the most hardened of hearts can soften with the grace of Jesus. : )
    I’ve been married for 17 years, and have a 14 year old son. When we first married, religion wasn’t that important to us, and it wasn’t until we adopted our son, and decided to have him finally baptized last year that my son and I decided to start attending church regularly. My husband refused to go. I was never brought up with any religion; my husband was raised Catholic, but had become estranged from the church, and refused to go with us. My son and I decided to attend the church my husband grew up in, in the next town over, partially so that my son wasn’t embarrassed because he was getting baptized so late in in life (as if 13 yo is late….I got baptized at the same time, and I am 43 yo!!!), and partially in the hopes that my husband’s anger at God (for making him sterile) would subside and he would go back to church. Eventually…..it took 6 months or so….my husband got tired of being left home on Friday nights when my son and I would go to the baptism classes, and he finally decided that after 30 years, it was time for him to finally get confirmed!!! Thank God!!! : )
    Even when we were going to church though, my husband didn’t feel the power of Jesus the way I did. What changed that FOREVER was when his confirmation sponsor signed him up for a weekend retreat. The transformation has been slow, but it’s been happening (that was last March), and now my husband has signed up to help lead the next retreat in Feb 2010. I don’t care what kind of retreat it is you get him to, just get him to go to a retreat and they’ll have him put aside time to talk with God. Hopefully that’s all it is going to take. Once the transformation happens where he understands that life isn’t all about him, but it’s about giving thanks to Jesus for the incredible gift he has given us all….eternal life, then the rest is cake. : )
    Finally, I just wanted to say that it doesn’t truly matter what denomination you are, as long as you believe with all of your heart and soul that Jesus Christ is your savior and you thank him every day for the incredible gift he has given us all. Your husband need not feel guilty about his drinking, as long as he tries to do what he can to stop. Jesus loves him and forgives those who ask for forgiveness. All your husband has to do is ask. : ) HIS mercy is a gift that we can never repay, and His grace will save us all. : )
    Congratulations on your faith and continue praying to Jesus about your husband and ask HIM to show you the way to reach your husband. When you are lonely, know that Jesus is sitting right next to you. As your faith increases, you will feel Jesus more and more in your heart. Also ask the Power of the Holy Spirit to comfort you and ease the lonliness. Ask Mary to pray for your children. You are NEVER alone. : )I hope you have a blessed day and a blessed journey in this life.

    Reply
  18. test Avatar
    test

    test

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  19. PraiseJesus Avatar
    PraiseJesus

    I came across this site while searching for some encouragement from my spiritually unequal marriage. For my case, it is my wife who is the unbeliever. In fact, she is a staunch Buddhist who prays twice a day.
    I’m a Christian since the Lord called me at 16 years old. Since then, I attended church, on and off, only to backslide and stop attending altogether. Although I continue to pray and read the bible on my own, it was erratic at best.
    While in my backslidden condition, I met an unbeliever and we married. Things went on fine for the next decade as I remained largely a non-practicing Christian.
    However, when the Lord restored my walk with Him, I was unpleasantly surprised that Christianity is offensive to her. Whenever, I share the gospel or the horrors of hell with her, she would strongly disagree and/or reply in a tactless way. More often than not, we would end up arguing and then not talking to each other for days, sometimes.
    Frankly, it is challenging for a practicing “born-again” Christian to live with an unbelieving spouse. The reason is because unbelievers are spiritually dead whereas believers have been made alive by Jesus! I only knew how far I have sinned when I saw, to my horror, my wife teaching our only girl, how to pray to her “God”!
    Being spiritually single, I always have to attend church alone. I’ve the unpleasant honor of NOT being single and YET don’t feel like I belong to a typical family category as defined by the church. I especially feel lonely when I see other families either hugging or holding hands lovingly in the church. However, I must say that on some occasions, the Lord mercifully visited me with His wonderful presence, so much so that, I don’t feel lonely at all! What a welcome respite! Thank you, Jesus.
    Come to think of it, although we may not be able to feel His presence during every service and/or at all times, we can always “faith” Him, holding on to His promise to be with us always, even to the end of age.
    My final consolation comes from Revelation 21:4 which reads “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”
    PS:
    Thanks be to God who drew my daughter to Himself, she has since received Christ! As for my spouse, I’m still praying for her, holding on to the hope that our God is a God of the impossible…

    Reply
  20. Nancy Shannon Avatar
    Nancy Shannon

    Hello all!! I have read many of your comments and I find them very interesting. I was also a spiritually single woman, an unequally yoked one! Anyway, I am a graduate student and am doing my Thesis on Spiritually Single Women and if anyone would like to help me with answering a survey I would love it. I also offer insight due to my extensive research. My ultimate project that will result from my Thesis will be increased awareness to churches to create ministries to include these women, nurture them and help them spiritually grow. All churches have married women, and men that attend church alone and walk with God alone. Actually about 25%. Please post a comment to me if you would like to participate in my information gathering or would like some insight into your plight!
    Blessings.
    Nancy S

    Reply
  21. Gabiotam@hotmail.com Avatar
    Gabiotam@hotmail.com

    Hi gayle
    I see your pain, and me as acatholic also willing to convert to othodox if I get a chance seems your husband is not as eager as changing you as you are wanting to change him.
    But at least the catholic church does offer therapy for couples who come from different background. What would you prefer a drug addict or alcoholic husband? Thank God you have a husband whomfollows God, and at the end pentecostesal, catholic or whatever its the same God. Butnsometimes us caholic the more religious we study the more catholic we become, sayingbthat and knowingbthat the catholic separated fromthenorthodox church we want o follownthe first christian church. Find inyour heart God and the strength tonforive and accept things youncannot change, God bless.

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  22. DJ Avatar
    DJ

    Wow this is my story too( except my husband didn’t have a physical affair) but he has made friendships that put me down and sway him to ignore me and to treat me like a “stepford ” wife. I try to love him as unto The Lord and God’s grace is with me. But the pain and rejection is so very hard to bear. We have been married for 30 years and though it was not perfect I felt cherished and loved. But this last year he changed beliefs and does not approve of evangelical churches. I do not want to fight the war of the churches in my marriage anymore but I pray for God to heal our spiritual oneness and to remove the mockers who try to put a seed of destruction in my marriage. I too am crying out to The Lord and would welcome any encouragement, prayers or practical
    advice.
    Thank you and I’m praying for my sisters who are traveling this difficult path

    Reply
  23. Lynn Avatar
    Lynn

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    Lord Jesus, I ask for your power and love to overwhelm this marriage and DJ. Fill her up with a fresh hope and allow her to see where you are working. I ask Lord that you would surround their home with angels and protect them from the lies of the enemy. Grant her wisdom to know how to proceed and hope to love. Bring her peace and provision. In Jesus name. Amen. 

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