I am delighted to introduce, Rebecca Saville, as a guest writer for Spiritually Unequal Marriage. You might remember I mentioned several weeks ago that Rebecca would be contributing an article about longings and disappointment. She has prepared an excellent article. I pray you will find it beneficial and stimulating.
Rebecca has a Masters in Social Work and has been a counselor for 12 years. She is a deeply committed Christian and a mother of three. She has been married to a Navy Chaplain for 18 years.
Rebecca’s wise counsel has brought hope to many men and women. I want to thank her for her willingness to contribute to this site today and in the coming months.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change.
A man marries a woman expecting she won’t change.
Both are disappointed.
Do you remember when you were dating your spouse, and you saw so many great qualities that you didn’t want to let this one go? Just name 3-5 attributes right now that were the highlights of your mate’s core essence.
Now that your union has developed, perhaps you have seen that all those positive attributes don’t overcome some of the shortcomings, and the spiritual differences are now amplified more than they were when feelings of being in love were paramount. And missionary dating doesn’t work either; hoping that their interest in your values will increase as your relationship deepens–the other is still choosing to live without reference to God. IF ONLY . . . thoughts enter on a regular basis.
You cannot change another person, no matter how much you love, ask, hope, complain, bargain, or argue. You can’t even change yourself-without God’s help.
It is important for you to personally recognize that those characteristics which you now judge as negative were present when you chose to live the rest of your life with this person. You made a commitment to your partner to love whether you felt like it on any given day or not, whether you have things in common or not, whether you give time, money and devotion to the same entity or not. Are you a promise keeper?
The best testimony to what God is doing in you is a changed life filled with joy and compassion despite the circumstances. Be a student of your spouse: find the strengths and admire them. As you verbalize them, you will highlight them again in both of you. When you said, “I do,” you minimized shortcomings. Even now God can give you the humility (to replace nagging) to downplay the areas of growth because we all have them. Patience is a virtue that God develops in each one of us often using those closest to us as the agent of change. Encourage specific actions your mate takes; reward steps toward goals with care for their physical/emotional needs and intimacy as only a spouse can do.
Your life mate can resist your words, but prayers cannot be resisted. Prayers change another from the inside out. Stand in the gap between what is actual and what God can do with your prayers.
Rebecca Saville, MSW
Social Worker/Counselor
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