The battle is already raging around me. Conflicting thoughts invade my conscious mind flashing swiftly. Do I go to church today? I could stay home. Will I have to fight with my kids to get them to church with me? Will my husband get out of bed? I know I am going to be angry, I can already feel it. God wants me to join Him. I want to sing! Is it a football Sunday, there is not a chance my hubby will be joining me. Is there?
Yikes!! What a mess and I haven’t even jumped out of bed yet!!
Sunday was torture for me. I usually experience one the two scenarios on any given Sunday morning: 1) Anger or frustration followed by pouting before I left for church or 2) anger or frustration followed by pouting arriving home from church.
In the early years of our marriage, I was convinced that if my husband would just attend church and hear the truth of God’s word, he would be saved and life would be forever blissful. I pushed him hard to go to church with me. I must admit that this man loves me because he would attend from time-to-time just to keep the peace and make me happy. But what resentment this created in his heart – a story for another day.
On mornings when he refused to attend, my anger and disappointment would erupt. I couldn’t help it. Sometimes I would bang things around or tears would just come and I would leave for church feeling completely deflated. Bing, enemy wins this round.
Many mornings I went off to church alone with a smile on my face and with great anticipation in my heart. I would experience the mountaintop with God through worship. The pastor would deliver a message that had me practically skipping when I left church. Then…… I would arrive home and the lump under the covers was still under the covers. To this day, I cannot figure out why this bothered me so much. I became angry in an instant and the experience of the morning evaporated. Bing, enemy wins this round also.
Slowly, slowly through honest prayer I released my disappointments to Christ. I would pray in the car while driving to or from church, Jesus, I am crawling up into your arms for comfort. Sooth my heart and let me turn to you for the companionship I desire at church. Lord, sit with me so I won’t feel alone. Amen
I prayed along these lines many times and for months and not just in the car. Jesus used my loneliness to draw me to Him. At the time, I didn’t comprehend that I was placing my husband at the center of my church experience but Christ knew. Jesus wanted my whole heart and when I began to give it to Him, he would cradle me in the most amazing and supernatural way in His gentle yet firm arms. I still love to crawl into the arms of my Savior today and He still loves to hold on to me.
Slowly I released my negative feelings directed at my husband. I can attend church with or without him and I am happy.
Tomorrow I will talk about one other strong flash point for me: Grief in the Sanctuary!
Be blessed, Lynn
Going It Alone – Before and After
The battle is already raging around me. Conflicting thoughts invade my conscious mind flashing swiftly. Do I go to church today? I could stay home. Will I have to fight…
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