In January 2007, I found myself, for the first time ever, frustrated that I could not share my faith with my husband.
While we were dating and in our early years of marriage, my husband had always shown such support of my faith. We had talked about how I would teach our children about Jesus. Yet when our daughter was born, things changed.
I felt alone. The more my daughter grew, the greater my sense of God’s presence became. But I couldn’t share my joy with my husband. I wanted to dedicate our daughter to the Lord at the church I had been visiting, but I was afraid how they’d react when they heard that I, a devout Christian since age 2, had married a nonbeliever. I feared they would see me as blatantly disobedient to God’s warning in the Bible not to be “unequally yoked,” when that wasn’t totally the case. When I was dating my then-boyfriend, I was constantly warned by my church youth leaders about being “unequally yoked” and I was fully aware of what the Bible had to say about marrying a nonbeliever, but yet I knew I was seeking God’s will and felt God’s calling on my boyfriend’s life. Yes, I was in love, but I was also at the peak of my hunger and passion for God. And I knew this man loved me. He protected me. And it seemed that every prayer that I had for my family and my life was coming to fruition through him. I asked others to pray that God would guide me. I knew that God had a purpose for me. I tried to break up with him multiple times because of my faith, but it was always impossible beyond even my desire.
It wasn’t until one day in 2000 when I went to the park that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had God’s blessing to marry my husband. I begged like a little girl to her daddy for something she couldn’t have. I cried out for God to show himself to my boyfriend – because I wanted him badly. I told God that I didn’t want to marry anyone else. I then found my hands being led to Scriptures completely pertinent to my situation. And I heard His voice say to me, “Vanessa, be at peace” and “If you really want [him] – trust me.”
So I did… or so I thought.
I felt the Lord’s presence on our wedding day and I felt His hand forming our daughter inside of me when I was pregnant.
So as I lay crying in our family room, I asked God what went wrong, why I was suddenly feeling the weight of my yoke, that He would provide someone from my visiting church who would accept my decision to marry my husband in the same way I felt His acceptance, and to change my husband’s heart.
When I pulled myself together, I realized that there had to be someone out there who was blessed like me with a wonderful husband who provided for, cared for, and loved her as any woman would dream of – and with whom she shared everything with – except her faith.
That’s when I began searching the Internet and I found Lynn’s Spiritually Unequal Marriage website. I was comforted by her testimony and e-mailed her to let her know how her site had touched me. I was amazed that she wrote me back and offered to lift my family up in prayer for seven days and invited me to join an online group, 1Peter3Living, where other women were also praying for their husband’s salvation.
It was in those seven days that God led me to a woman in my church prayed with me for guidance. God also showed me in this time that it wasn’t my husband who needed to change – it was me! I felt that God restored his covenant with me that Allan’s heart would change as long as I waited on Him.
As 2007 progressed, it became apparent to me that God was teaching me how to wait on Him and for Him. And he was showing me where I went wrong in my past. He confirmed to me that He’d been alongside me even before He promised that He’d bless our marriage, but that I hadn’t kept my end of the bargain up by waiting on Him. My definition of waiting on the Lord was doing my own thing and entrusting that He’d somehow intervene and make my mess work with His plan. I became increasingly convicted that from the time of God’s promise to me in 2000, until my pregnancy, I had not been living with God as the center of my life. And if I wanted my husband and my daughter to understand and have a relationship with Jesus as their Savior, I would need to get my life back aligned with Him to be the best example I could be.
I began to ask Jesus to be my husband in the way that my earthly husband couldn’t. And everyday He’d fill me in some new way.
God showed me that my marriage was weakening because I had hurt my husband as a result of my own laziness. The Lord confirmed this by bringing me back to a previous word of knowledge spoken over my life at my old church a few months after I began dating my husband, “The Lord says that you have been given much, but you will also be required of much. Be prepared for stops and changes along the way. However, do not worry – HE is in control and will take care of it. Stay faithful and seek Him.” At the time, I had no idea what this meant. But now I see that God was gently calling me to wait on him by using all of my resources, talents, and blessings that I’d been given to the fullest. I wasn’t just supposed to sit there, I was supposed to DO.
But instead, I had forced my husband with my actions to go the opposite direction in our yoke. Just like unequally yoked oxen, we were running in circles and our necks were tired.
I just heard on the radio yesterday that another meaning for the word “yoke” is “well-fitted” and that oxen were actually fitted with easy yokes so that they’d fit like a glove. For awhile, I was beginning to think that because I had chosen to marry my husband, that I might have to accept the discomfort of our “yoke,” but I’m here to tell you that Jesus said in Matthew 11:30, that his “yoke is easy and [his] burden is light.” And after I repented of my failure to wait on the Lord, it was as if He literally took the uncomfortable yoke I was wearing with my husband and adjusted it to make us a team again! It has been so worth waiting on the Lord! His yoke IS easy!
At the time, I had no idea what I was waiting for, but as I diligently pressed into Him, I found my steps guided. I was welcomed as a member of my church. My daughter’s baby dedication was orchestrated in a way that I could have never planned. And though I can’t yet see my husband’s salvation in the flesh, my spirit has become pregnant with growing faith that eagerly awaits its birth in the natural. In my sleep, new dreams have been given to me. My prayer has changed. My marriage has changed. My family is growing closer. Old Christian friends have been brought back into my life. And now it has become clear that God was preparing me in my waiting so that I could be a rock for my husband now as we are entering financially hard times.
I’m an impatient person and waiting has never been easy for me. But it feels so good to know I’m walking in God’s will for my life. I don’t need to worry, because He’s taking care of me while I rest.
Waiting on the Lord is not about what the Lord will do in our lives, it’s about how we seek Him while we’re waiting. It’s about pressing in to Jesus. Finding out WHO He is, what His purpose is for you, asking His Holy Spirit to govern our lives, and daily – no constantly – discerning His will for our lives.
I’m still waiting and I can’t wait to see what’s next!
“But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31(NRS)
Vanessa
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