Spiritually Unequal Marriage

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Would you Change Churches?

I have spending a significant amount of time thinking about church. I am one of the thousands of spouses who pray in hope that my husband will want to attend…

I have spending a significant amount of time thinking about church. I am one of the thousands of spouses who pray in hope that my husband will want to attend church.

In our early years, of course, this prayer was completely self-centered. I wanted my man to become a Christian because my life would be simpler. Also, I didn’t want to go to church by myself. Can anyone relate?

I can recall my husband standing in our church sanctuary last year. The band was playing – loudly- and my husband was embroiled in the “hostile” stance. Hands on hips, elbows jutting out, and a look of exasperation on his face as he stared forward. No singing, no participation. He was mad.

I probably coerced the guy into attendance that morning. I looked over at him and could feel the anger emanating from him. Tears sprang into my eyes. I was so upset because he was mad. The morning was a total loss.

Half way through the service my husband could tell I was hurt. We muddled through the motions and left. On the ride home, in a teary voice but honest voice, I released him from attending church and I honestly meant it.

That was the day I completely stopped influencing him into church.

However, I STILL deeply desire my husband to attend church. My reasons are different today than in my selfish years. However, he remains at home on Sundays while I head off for services.

I began asking myself the usual questions. Why doesn’t he like church? If I attended another church, would he go? What makes church attractive to men?

I read the following in Today’s Christian Woman magazine last week:Menrockclimb

Wish your spouse spent Sunday mornings with you? Choose a church with these men-friendly characteristics.

  • Large congregation
  • No denominational affiliation
  • Strict scriptural adherence
  • Young multiracial crowd
  • Authoritative, male pastor
  • Informal dress
  • Modern technology
  • Fun services

    -adapted from How Women Help Men Find God by David Murrow (Thomas Nelson)

    Hmmmmm. This prompts the question, would I be willing to change churches for my spouse’s spiritual growth?

    Your thoughts? Hugs~ Lynn

    • Comments

    11 responses

    1. Rosheeda Avatar
      Rosheeda

      Oh Lynn!
      The Lord directed me here… I have had this on my mind from time to time about changing churches. I say I’d be willing, but seriously. I really really like my church. Wonder what this is supposed to prepare me for?

      Reply
    2. Cheryl Avatar
      Cheryl

      My husband is a Christian. Saved and Baptized but will NOT go to Church with me. He is very shy and does not like to be around people. I have only know this one Church but I would change Church’s in a moment if he would start coming with me. I went through the same thing you talked about. He would get so mad at me so I did the same thing, I released him from going. I do not ask him anymore. Maybe some day. Thanks for a great post Lynn! God Bless

      Reply
    3. Dineen Miller Avatar
      Dineen Miller

      Yep, I’d go where ever he wanted. Funny thing is, lately I’ve felt more detached from my church. The last time that happened God had told me to prepare for a move. I thought He meant another church. He meant another country!
      Either way, it still meant a new church, so maybe this time it’s a similar reason-to get me ready for a move to a new church. Hubby’s! 🙂

      Reply
    4. e-Mom Avatar
      e-Mom

      Lynn, this is such an important post. My husband doesn’t like our church either–and he’s a believer!
      We’re in the middle of some big changes, with a possible move. And the question I must ask myself is similar, “Would I be willing to change denominations for my spouse’s spiritual growth?”
      Thanks for posting Murrow’s points. Hugs!

      Reply
    5. Michele Avatar
      Michele

      My heart goes out to you. I have been a pastor’s wife for 34 years. Unfortunately you are not alone. Have you talked to you husband about this? If he is willing to “shop” around for a church he feels more comfortable attending then I say visit around. I would not change churches unless you both find a church you can attend and he really will attend with you. For some couples/families this works and for others the families are not attending church any where. So I would pray, seek wise counsel, and tale with your husband.
      God bless dear sister,
      Michele (Marsha’s sister)

      Reply
    6. Melanie Avatar
      Melanie

      I think this is a really important topic, Lynn. I think it is important that both spouses are happy in the church they are attending and if there is something one doesn’t like, then they need to look around for another church.
      When my husband and I first were married my husband didn’t attend church hardly at all. It was several years before we found a church we both liked, joined, and began to attended regularly together. However, it was well worth the search and the journey as we now are in a church we both love and attend as a family regularly. We also learned alot about each other and our faith during that time. It was a great process for us to walk thru toghether!
      I think if we turn it over to God that He will lead us to the perfect church for both.
      Praying for you as you ponder this topic more in relation to you and your husband.
      Have a blessed week, my friend!

      Reply
    7. Kristin Jepson Avatar
      Kristin Jepson

      The question you have to ask yourself is not what YOU think you should do or what others have to say about what you should do.
      What would CHRIST say to do in a situation like this?
      He might say to allow your husband be the spiritual leader…
      He might say to remain one within the body of Christ with which you are participating in…
      Perhaps this is a wake-up call for you?
      Perhaps this is a wake-up call for your church to hear some positive feedback about what the congregation’s true needs are?
      Regardless of our human thoughts or wishes, Christ and God remain the constant guardian’s of our lives and our futures.
      He’ll direct you to where you need to be.

      Reply
    8. Tami Boesiger Avatar
      Tami Boesiger

      I knew a woman once who quit going to church for a time because her husband wanted her home with him on Sunday mornings. She tried to maintain her own spiritual growth through Bible study while he was working, but quitting church was a tough decision for her. She thought it honored him to do what he asked. They moved away, so I never got to see what happened with it, but I always thought it a gutsy move and controversial way to love her man.

      Reply
    9. Heather Twitchell Avatar
      Heather Twitchell

      I’m trying not to laugh to hard but us women sure do think alike! Is there a woman who hasn’t attemped the draggin’ them method followed by the guilting them into it method to the just pout?!
      In response to the “would I be willing” i believe the answer is yes. But he’s what i’ve discovered. My hubby has latched onto the small and personal church with the interactive teaching- very much the Acts 2 style. Luckily our church has two vastly different campuses- one ‘four walled’ beachside complete with steeple and the other held around round tables where we get personal while all the attendees get ‘involved’ at a local school. We church shopped as I called it. Trying the gamut from penecostal to my background Southern Baptist. Barry was very nervous during some services and others flat. But this new campus our home church has started up is a true blessing in disguise.
      This very post is and was paramount in my quest to get the hubby’s salvation in order and following that get him growing in the Lord. I believe what the Lord has to say about season’s of change. We find those all over in life. Sometimes those changes may need to be in the church you are in too. I find that i’m ever growing in Christ and as my/our spiritual growth takes off there will be times when i find myself needing to be under different teaching. Church moving always is a thought in my mind. Now whether or not the spouses are receptive to any of the multitude you may go to that’s another story!
      This is a great post!! Thanks girls!
      Love, Heather

      Reply
    10. tina Avatar
      tina

      Hi Lynn,
      My answer to this used to be absolutely! Many years ago my husband did attend church with us weekly. He’d always, eventually, find fault with the church and then I would pray about it and find another church that he might be interested in and ask him if he’d like to try the other church. this happened so many times, I can’t even tell you. We finally moved out of state and the girls & I found a church we really liked. They became our “family”. My oldest & myself were baptized there. He came here and there for a while. He hadn’t made it a habit to really attend much. So this time when he stared finding fault I refused to uproot the girls and leave that church because I knew what was to come. I think if I felt the Lord’s hand in it I would definitely move churches but not just because my husband would say he’d go if I changed churches. He’s done it too many times! I guess my situation is probably different than most.

      Reply
    11. Twinkle Mom Avatar
      Twinkle Mom

      *hugs*
      I think it really helps to find a church that will provide spiritual growth for both the spouses and part of that is a church that will help encourage and not discourage. Sometimes just going by oneself and leading through example is really the best way but it helps too when the spouse is ready to take that step…they are at a church where they will not overwhelm but rather nurture “new” hearts.
      We are actually in a situation where we are considering changing churches that will help minister to both our needs since this one makes attending bible study very difficult and is limited in the spiritual growth that some believers and new believers need.
      A bad church experience can reinforce an unwillingness to attend so it definitely helps to find a loving church that is biblically based…not overwhelming and has a heart for those who have fallen from the church.
      There is actual a great article I read that gives a list of questions to consider when looking at churches:
      http://www.cbceasthampton.com/choose.html
      and it has been very helpful in our search.
      Praying for you!

      Reply

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