When we began this series regarding conflict I set out some of the guidelines and the premise by which we intend to explore the specific issues. If you have not read that post, please read it now (go here, then come right back).
Last week we left the story of Tina and Mark at a crossroads. Tina thinks Mark might have a problem with alcohol. The drinking has definitely put a stain on their marriage.
For some reason, this is often where I find myself arriving in the progression. I receive a call from a friend, an email arrives, or one of the girls in Bible study stops to talk with me after class. They describe some of the difficulties they are experiencing with their spouse. Rarely does she mention alcohol. She will share the struggles with communication, the growing disrespect and the disconnect in their marriage.
I assure you I listen with my whole heart, and my soul is pierced by their pain.
I then proceed down a conversation similar to this:
Lynn: Oh, Tina, I am so very sorry you are in the middle of this pain. I can feel your hurt. I know you said that Mark is hanging out on the weekend with his guy friends and you feel lonely and rejected. I know you have thought to yourself, this is not what a marriage should be. I know, because I have had those thoughts in the past.
Can I ask you a question?
Tina: Sure
Lynn: I can probably guess Mark is having a few beers while hanging out with the guys. But, can I ask you, does he drink in the evening too?
Tina: Well, ya, he will have a couple of beers at night.
Lynn: So, I am just wondering if the thought has crossed your mind. Do you think your husband has a problem with alcohol? Can he go more than a week without a drink? Have you wondered if maybe, just perhaps, he might have too much alcohol? Could he be an alcoholic?
The answer to this question is truly critical. If a spouse has toyed with the idea for a while that her/his spouse might be an alcoholic, it is likely it may be true.
*** Now don’t panic. Not everyone is an alcoholic that drinks.
This is what I would tell Tina.
Lynn: Tina, I’m not sure if you only needed a listening ear for your broken heart. I am so very glad to just listen, but I am wondering if you perhaps need someone to just help you get out of this place your marriage is stuck in? I would like to share with you my thoughts.
Please, please, PLEASE, pray about what I tell you and ask the Lord if these words are meant for you.
I want you to pray about attending an Al-Anon meeting. Taking this bold step will do several things.
One, it is gonna rock the boat with Mark. It will shake him up to realize you think he has a problem. It doesn’t mean he is ready to accept the truth but this action will prompt some conversation (conflict).
Two, it is a public action. You need to be emotionally ready to accept the reality of someone you know recognizing you at a meeting. You must be ready to do what it takes to find healing. It takes courage and you will need prayer support. Start praying on your knees about attending. The Holy Spirit will convict you if this step is right. Don’t let fear or shame guide you. Your future could hinge on this action.
Three: Al-Anon will teach you how to cope. They can coach you to set effective boundaries.
Now I have probably overwhelmed you with much to think about. Pray and if need be talk with a counselor at church.
***This is where I tell you that this advice does not apply to everyone. However, I find in serving women in ministry we often don’t know what to do. Our husband drinks, we think, too much. We don’t know where to find help and don't know someone safe to ask questions about this delicate subject. We are too afraid to talk to someone at church, especially the Pastor. My goodness, what would he think?
What I do know to be true is this. If your spouse has a drinking addiction, even a moderate one, it strains the marriage. You don’t have to suffer in silence. There are many resources to learn to cope and eventually work your marriage through this difficulty. Al-Anon is only one. But it starts with you.
It seems unfair that we always have to be the one to take action but alas, isn’t that just like God. He wants to work in other’s lives through us. He may be calling you to do so today.
This is where I now ask you to share. Are you in a similar situation? Do you need prayer? Have you overcome addiction? How did you do it? What can you share here today to help set a captive free? Please feel free to share anonymously.
Isaiah 61: 1-2 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn
Be Blessed, Lynn
Next conflict: infidelity
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