Spiritually Unequal Marriage

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How Do We Reconnect?

Staying connected with your spouse can be a challenge. I’m finding this to be harder to do as we get older. I shared recently that we’d become empty nesters, but…

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Staying connected with your spouse can be a challenge. I’m finding this to be harder to do as we get older. I shared recently that we’d become empty nesters, but our status is now back to three. Here we are again, adjusting to new and old dynamics.

Here I thought my greatest challenge would be keeping myself from falling into old patterns so that the new ones my husband and I had created would remain established. I didn’t stop and think what his reaction might be-that he might be the one to fall back into old patterns. So, I’m facing the challenge of reconnecting with my hubby.

Inertia
I find inertia to be one of my greatest enemies in life. I know, I know. We’re human and we like our comfortable areas. But that doesn’t serve me well. The “easy” thing to do right now would be to just let it be and let it happen. I liken that to the wind and reeds analogy in Ephesians 4. I don’t want my marriage and other areas of my life to be “blown about” by old habits.

Awareness
I will stop here and give myself a very short and brief pat on the back. I’m aware of the situation but I can’t stop there (thus the very short and brief pat :-). But I do think that awareness is a huge part of the challenge. Once we can see and identify the problem or challenge, we can seek wisdom and guidance.

Intentionality
We’ve talked a lot here about being intentional in our marriages. This is truly where the “rubber meets the road.” James spoke of not just being readers of God’s Word but doers as well. If God gives us a direction to help us in our marriage, we’re foolish to not follow that leading. Being intentional in our marriages means constantly being aware of what’s working and what’s not in our relationships and then doing something about it. And prayer counts as doing something! Just be sure to listen for God’s answer and follow through.

What I am doing to reconnect with my husband? Small things right now since I’m still in that awareness zone. I’m praying for God to show me ways to stay connected to my husband now that we’re a party of three again.

My daughter’s actually been great about getting us together to play games in the evenings, so we’re connecting as a family.

How about you? What have you found works for you to reconnect and stay connected to your spouse?

Praying and believing,
Dineen

Comments

30 responses

  1. Denise Avatar
    Denise

    Having date nights, and keeping fun in our marriage, keeps us connected.

    Reply
  2. Mqartha Bush Avatar
    Mqartha Bush

    Dineen, how interesting that you should write on Reconnect. Our study group will be starting Key #3 on Staying Connected in April. I love the three points you made on inertia, awareness, and intentionality. While those are good points at any age and stage of marriage to consider, it is especially true, as you say, when we get older. And that is what our group might be called, “older” not “old”, if you please. You are giving me good teaching points, thank you.

    Reply
  3. Lori Avatar
    Lori

    Finding common ground – things my husband and I both enjoy – is something that I have had to constantly work on, it is something that I am diligent about. We always have our children, but to find something intimate – for just us two – is so crucial. It isn’t easy though because I have found that reconnecting with my husband begins with a sacrifice of MY time – but in the end the reward is the reconnection itself because what happens is that he will start to ask me what I want to do and he will start to sacrifice some of HIS time to do something purposeful with me or for me. Some of the things I do is to watch his favorite TV programs with him, let him read his books to me out loud, and most recently, I have started to work out with him, and eat healthy with him (can I just say that working out and eating healthy are HUGE sacrifices LOL – I am such a chocolate junky ;)) In the end – time invested in my husband always brings a return and it is well worth the investment!!!

    Reply
  4. Dineen Miller Avatar
    Dineen Miller

    Love that, Denise!

    Reply
  5. Dineen Miller Avatar
    Dineen Miller

    Totally a God-thing, Martha! I was praying Friday for what I should write and this topic came into mind. Then the same topic popped up on the 1Peter3Living loop, and then your email came in about Key 3. LOL! Love how God brings a common theme to many of us. He most definitely knows our needs. 🙂

    Reply
  6. Dineen Miller Avatar
    Dineen Miller

    I find that to be true too, Lori! It’s not always easy (my guy loves outdoor activities and I’d rather watch TV-he keeps me young!) but as you said it’s worth it. 🙂

    Reply
  7. Heather Passuello Avatar
    Heather Passuello

    I’m not sure that I qualify to comment, I’ve only been married for a year and a half. I do find that when I sometimes suck it up and participate in activities that my husband likes (Working on equipment in the shed or building fence, etc) without complaining. (That’s the hard part) He opens up to me more and we get along better and he is more likely to bring that back around.

    Reply
  8. Cindi Avatar
    Cindi

    “James spoke of not just being readers of God’s Word but doers as well. If God gives us a direction to help us in our marriage, we’re foolish to not follow that leading. Being intentional in our marriages means constantly being aware of what’s working and what’s not in our relationships and then doing something about it. And prayer counts as doing something! Just be sure to listen for God’s answer and follow through.”
    Finding this to be the big challenge in my own marriage. I have been hearing God speak to me regarding this from so many different places and here is one more…..Thanks Dineen! Thank you Jesus!

    Reply
  9. Melissa K. Norris Avatar
    Melissa K. Norris

    Excellent post, Dineen. I agree with Lori about finding common ground. We’ve been married for 12 years and have a 2 and 6 year old. We started exercising together and it’s made a big difference. We also got a hot tub & spending time in it in the evening has given us the opportunity to talk w/out any distractions.

    Reply
  10. Brenda Avatar
    Brenda

    Choosing to love and reminding myself frequently that God loves my husband as much as He does me really helps me connect the right way with my husband. I can tell when I am not being intentional. Funny, I never thought of that word much before I began reading these SUM posts. But it is just so (SO) important. I spent a lot of my marriage sinfully bemoaning how I was being “treated” by my husband (not that badly, I promise you!) and I’ve had such a wonderful and faithful man right beside me all along. Some comment a couple of days ago (the lady doing the toilet replacement with her husband) said she had to stop and say “God loves him” a few times. I’ve been doing that since the weekend and I found myself being extra flirty with my husband and he TOTALLY responded. It completely changed the atmosphere of the house. (Ahem, thermostat versus thermometer indeed! Where did I see that today? The SUM facebook page I think…)

    Reply
  11. Melissa Avatar
    Melissa

    Totally took the words out of my mouth Heather! My husband and I have been together for 4 year…married for 2 of those years. He LOVES working with his hands. Just last night I offered to help him with building a bench in the garage that he was working on, even though I had laundry to do! It helps to keep us spending time together 🙂

    Reply
  12. Iddand Avatar
    Iddand

    Here comes a player for the other team to add some balance to this post. Not saying it’s one-sided, just noticing no guys seem to have discovered this blog. Haven’t looked at all comments though.
    We have been married 30 years. A few bumps caused by me for the most part, but no affairs or anything that traumatic. We are pretty much equally yoked, but she has a bit of a more emotional edge spiritually than I do.
    I am just throwing my two cents in because I have be working, and that is the very appropriate word, at connecting with her in a way that has been missing on my part from day one. It’s that ugly feeling you get when your wife tells you how in love with you she is and for you it isn’t equally internalized. I don’t mean you don’t love her, it’s just that your love lacks the the unqualifed dedication of your wife’s. For a guy, it is when you know she will never conciously do anything to hurt you emotionally or psychologically, but your history tells a different story about you. You look when you shouldn’t look, and look too long when you do and at things you shouldn’t be looking at. You don’t let her share her day and thoughts with you, let alone you share yours with her. You don’t speak of your deepest or most troubeling thoughts. You don’t communicate in either a qualitative or quatitative way. In short, you aren’t as invested in the relationship as you should be. Things are going smoothly, but they could be a less painful and more rewarding with a little awarness and intentionality.
    I am commuicating more in a number of ways. I try to call her at work at least once during the day. I send he emails from time to time, some of them affirming by devotion and desire for her. Not only thinking of you, but finding you irresistible and wanting you kind of things. That is how I control and focus my lustful side. When I think of sex, I think of her. I focus that energy on her. It seems to be subduing the visual wanderlust. A good thing and a difficult one for any male to overcome. It is so difficult for men being such a visually cued creature and having all the world throw those cues at you 24/7/365. It really is very difficult, ladies.
    I try to remember to ask about her day. If I forget, I try to be aware of when she freely “offers” to talk about it and make a point to listen and respond so she knows I am listening. I don’t get side-tracked into trying to solve her problems. She didn’t ask me to in the first place. When she wants to know, she does ask. Otherwise, I just listen.
    I try to remember (I know. It sounds so sad to hear me say I have to work at these things instead of them simply happening naturally. It’s another guy thing. Forgive us or at least show some compassion.) to kiss and hug her throughout the day when she is home. It is easy to get caught up in doing the “chores” of life and neglect making time for the things that count the most in the end. The bonus: You aren’t as likely to hear, “The only time you touch me is when you want sex.” (I have another spin on that for you ladies to consider. Maybe just the act of touching your body creates desire within your husband. I believe there is much truth to that and doesn’t it paint a totally different emotional and romantic picture? If what I say is true, it says your husband finds you irresistible and you create a burning desire within him. Yes, YOU do that for him. Give that possibility some thought, please. And do yourself a very big favor and stop wondering how that could be true and denying it’s possibility because you are unjustly overwhelmed with body image issues. He finds your naked body VERY hot. He isn’t the one wanting to do it in the dark all the time, is he? Be brutally honest with yourself here. By now he knows where all the parts are in the dark, why does he want the light on or to do it in the daytime? Because he finds your body sexy and exciting. I wish body dismorphia could be bansihed from the face of the earth for the benefit of both sexes. But, then, I digress from the original reason for the post. Please forgive. It’s just a subject about which I am very passiionte. I hate to see women in needless distress over their body image especially with their loving and devoted mate. Biblically, he is supposed to be able to take joy in the delights of his eyes. Not laying a guilt trip here. Just saying how God intended it to be in the Song of Songs and we have managed to pervert it. Men don’t get to have that sublime joy, and women don’t get to know the that affirming approval from their husbands. So sad and so incomplete for a marital a relationship. Moving on from the world’s longest paranthetical digression.)
    Our church is having a cardboard car contest with a drive-in movie night for the kids. Ours are all fully grown by the way. We were talking about how it isn’t really being well-participated in. I made mention of the fact that all the guys are building stock car-like vehicles. I said someone, not meaning us of course, should get out of the box (no pun intended when I typed it) and make a Flintstone’s car. Well, her eyes lit up like a kid whose dad asked them to help out on a project in the garage. My socks weren’t really rolling up and down all that much, but I was not so dense as to not be aware of the opportunity to connect in a new and exciting way. We are building a Flintstone’s car and expect to win first place and have the kids all excited about it just because of its novel appearance over all the others. She is like a little kid who can’t wait to get that model box open and start squirting that Testor’s cement on all those plastic plane parts. I am making a concious effort to emotionally invest myself into the project and into her at the same time. It is now a topic of daily conversation. When we first talked about it two Sunday afternoons ago, we planned how to build it for no less than two hours. It’s a moment that easily could have been missed if I hadn’t been doing by homework for the past year. You do need to be aware, but you have to commuicate and pay attention to the sometimes subtle clues to know what to be aware of. There are other things, but I don’t want to dominate this space. Sorry about the soapbox speech.

    Reply
  13. Peter Avatar
    Peter

    Great post, the thing that works best for us is to always find our, ‘pillow talk.’ That way we just do nothing and simply talk. It sounds so simple but it’s the most intimate for us.

    Reply
  14. Lynn Avatar
    Lynn

    lddand…
    Thanks for joining the discussion and wow, I am SO on the same page with you about body image and how the world has so messed up what God has created for marriage and sex. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Will have to think about future posts along these lines.
    I LOVED the box car adventure. I would be just like your wife to light up over this. This is loving your wife out loud even when you did feel the rolling of the socks excitement.
    Thank you for sharing your life and the truth of investing in your wife. Inspiring and hopeful for all of the rest of us. Blessings and thanks for inspiring our entire community here. Lynn

    Reply
  15. Lynn Avatar
    Lynn

    And, there is a community of men who are regualars here. You can join their private conversation at Sanctified Life. Find the link through the men’s page in our sidebar.

    Reply
  16. Lynn Avatar
    Lynn

    Brenda, Delightful…. You are inspiring me to step it up again around here. My husband thanks you in advance. Have a great day. Lynn

    Reply
  17. Lynn Avatar
    Lynn

    Melissa,
    We have a hot tub as well and it is lonely. Need to get out there more. Thanks for the reminder. Lynn

    Reply
  18. Bbartlett1055 Avatar
    Bbartlett1055

    It’s difficult at this point because we have been separated due to his job for over a month now. My husband plans on taking vacation next month and should be home next week. He recently bought a Wrangler Jeep and we are going to take a 4WD off road driving class in Sedona. I am really excited about doing this together. Love the jeep it is so cool. We do Skype also since he has been away. I have also been listening to Jimmy and Karen Evans on Marriage today. One of the titles to the podcasts on itunes is “Being Best Friends.” Great tips on there. Really worth listening to and it’s only about 28 minutes long.
    Love you guys!

    Reply
  19. Dineen Miller Avatar
    Dineen Miller

    Of course you qualify, Heather! You’re married, period. LOL! This is good stuff too! You found a great way to connect to your hubby. 🙂

    Reply
  20. Dineen Miller Avatar
    Dineen Miller

    That’s awesome, Melissa. I wish we had a hot tub. Been my hubby’s dream for a while now but there’s always something else that take priority. 🙁 I’m determined to see him get one one day. LOL! So glad you found a great way to relax and enjoy each other.

    Reply
  21. Dineen Miller Avatar
    Dineen Miller

    LOL! Brenda, this is wise and so true. That’s the mindset we need to keep so we are a team with our spouse and not see them as an enemy even in their worst times. You inspire me too, my friend. Hugs!

    Reply
  22. Dineen Miller Avatar
    Dineen Miller

    Iddand, THANK YOU for being so open and transparent! I’m so glad you found our site and shared your perspective. It’s such a help to all of us ladies here. We do have a small male readership. I hope your boldness will invite more to share as well. You insight gave me much to think about and consider for my special guy.
    And I just want to commend you for being aware and intentional in all that your doing to change this area of your life and to enrich your marriage. What a blessing to your wife and you. 🙂

    Reply
  23. Dineen Miller Avatar
    Dineen Miller

    That’s awesome, Peter! Thank you for sharing with us! 🙂

    Reply
  24. Dineen Miller Avatar
    Dineen Miller

    Barbara, that’s tough. Been there frequently myself in fact. My husband has had to work in other cities, states and even countries for as long as 4 months at a time. Especially hard when our kids were little. I just love that you’re Skyping with him (so glad that’s available now!) and that you’re making plans for when you’re together. You’re already being intentional and staying aware of this need to stay connected. Makes those times together that much more precious. And I think our guys really appreciate it when we let them know how much we miss and ENJOY them.
    That recording sounds great! Gonna go check it out. Love you too, my friend! Hugs!

    Reply
  25. Dineen Miller Avatar
    Dineen Miller

    You’re welcome, Cindi! Love and hugs to you!

    Reply
  26. Iddand Avatar
    Iddand

    Thanks for the tip. I’ll take a look soon.

    Reply
  27. Daixin Avatar
    Daixin

    “I have found that reconnecting with my husband begins with a sacrifice of MY time”
    Lori, what you said above is very convicting to me. Now I realized that one great obstacle for me is that I did not want to sacrifice my time connecting with my husband.
    Dineen, like the three points you made. Intentionality is a good reminder to me. To me it’s about taking initiation, which I’ve been reluctant to do so far.

    Reply
  28. Teresa t Avatar
    Teresa t

    Wow. I’m touched that my story intertwined with yours. Cool.
    I have been trying to be intentional about many aspects of my life, tapping into God’s strength, loving the hard to love. I even found a great verse to get me going in the morning… Eph 5:14.
    My husband and I connect through hobbies – exercise and scuba when we can.
    By the way the plumbing works fine, but we are hiring a decorator for the kitchen remodel. We are generally frugal, but decided that a decorator would actually protect our investment.

    Reply
  29. Brenda Avatar
    Brenda

    🙂
    I totally agree with your comments. Doesn’t it just perk the hubby up when we are excited to do something with him? BTW, I had to remind myself again on Thursday night that “God loves him.” LOL. It really changes my heart every time I do it. What a simple idea, but SO WISE! Thank you Teresa!

    Reply
  30. Tina Linder Avatar
    Tina Linder

    o good point thanks for the input

    Reply

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