Okay….. So, ahem…
You know what ALWAYS happens when I share teaching with you.
I live it out… Well, this series on taking a step into the Jordan is no
exception.
So today I’m going to share with you an experience that has
opened up a giant hole in my heart that only our merciful and loving God can
fill. And I wonder if some of you will find this hole exists in your heart as
well? Travel this path with me today because I bet it reveals something within
you that you didn’t know existed.
Let me set the stage. Many of you know my friend, Maria. I’ve
introduced her here before. She has a healing and deliverance ministry through
a large church in San Diego where they help women who are emerging from the
adult films industry. Pornography is, of course, an open door to demonic
oppression. Maria prays and delivers many of these women and they find healing
and wholeness in Jesus. AMEN.
I had lunch with Maria this week. This woman is quite
insightful and we began a discussion about rejection. She and I have talked a
lot about this aspect of pain because we are convinced so much of our hurts,
and the lies we believe, our spiritual struggles exist because we
have been rejected by someone whom we wanted to love us.
Much of our teaching at retreats and conferences center
around this very aspect. And we lead women to discover the truth and identity
in Christ and obtain healing.
What I didn’t expect at this lunch with Maria, which by the
way included a two and half hour discussion, with prayers, healing and tears
(on my part) was that I needed to hear a truth.
Gulp.
This truth hit me so hard when Maria spoke it I literally felt pain in my soul (heart) and I cried right there at the table in Macaroni
Grill. Sheesh! I'm sure our poor waiter was thoroughly freaked out. Oh well.
Okay, So let me loosely recap our conversation:
“Maria, I want you to pray for me about an area in my life
where I struggle.” I asked. (Yes, I struggle with stuff in my life, just like all of you.)
So, I explained to Maria my struggle, It’s too long to write
it out here.
Wouldn’t you know it; Maria turns this whole rejection thing
around on me. Ouch!
“Lynn, is this struggle rooted in rejection?”
I think for a minute and then it hits me. “Ah, yes.” I
stammer staring at her across the table. You see the light of the Holy Spirit
just went on in my heart.
“Maria, I guess I still hold pain in my heart because my
husband was not capable of loving me how I needed to be loved.” i.e…. Rejection
of my faith…. And likely other areas too. (Just being authentic here.)
Now this is where my world split open.
“Lynn, he likely was never loved in the way you want to be
loved. Lynn, it’s most likely that he was rejected way back in his life
somewhere, perhaps parents? I don’t know. But Lynn,
He’s hurting.”
How come I’ve never considered the pain and rejection he may
be carrying and that he conceals from me? Sometimes God shows me just how utterly selfish I can be.
I could bawl my eyes out just typing this.
In an instant God opened up a door into my heart and
revealed something that brings me pain and shame. I knew in that instant that I’ve
withheld a small part of my love, genuine love, kindness and compassion from my husband. I withheld it out of rejection. Out of some
twisted belief that because he didn’t love me how I needed to be loved, that I was
justified to withhold part of my love that I could have given him.
“Oh Maria, he IS
hurting.” It’s all I could say.
Maria, doesn’t judge me. She loves me. She prays over me. I
release my bitterness, the past rejection. Then a new love floods my heart for my
hurting husband who has likely never been fully loved and accepted himself.
EVER!
So, that happened on Wednesday. As I write this it’s
Thursday morning. My husband is away on a business trip and will arrived home
this evening after a grueling work week. He is going to come home to his safe
haven, our home. But when he walks in the door tonight, his wife is different.
It is my life’s goal from this day forward to love that man
with unconditional and a full and accepting love. My friends, I don’t even know
what that looks like right now.
But, I do know what that feels like. My Papa, Daddy, loves
me like that. And living in His Presence, His love, is a place where EVERYTHING
is okay, good, grace covered and happy. My husband needs to experience this
kind of love. It is the very least and the very best that I can give to him.
So as I prayed about all of this today God opened up his
Word to me and this is what I read:
John 13: 3 Jesus knew that the Father had put all things
under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; 4 so
he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel
around his waist. 5 After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash
his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
6 He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you
going to wash my feet?”
7 Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing,
but later you will understand.”
8 “No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”
Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with
me.”
9 “Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but
my hands and my head as well!”
10 Jesus answered, “Those who have had a bath need only to
wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every
one of you.” 11 For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he
said not every one was clean.
12 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his
clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?”
he asked them. 13 “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that
is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you
also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you
should do as I have done for you.
I sat stunned in my chair. God immediately said to me, “Wash
his feet.” And God means this literally as well as to serve my husband with a
new love and affection.
So, tonight after my husband’s long business trip as he sits
down to watch television, I’m going to quietly kneel before him, remove his
shoes, wash his feet, cover them with lotion and place slippers on his feet. I will rise and then kiss him on the lips and
tell him how much I love him. I’m going to thank him for working so hard. I will tell him I could love him better and to forgive me for not doing so before now. And I will assure him that I’m going to be better at it in the future. And promise him I
will try to do it better and better every day for the rest of our lives.
I’m not sure what will happen but I KNOW that my Daddy is
proud. And after all, God does this for me…. every…… single….. day…
Signed, a humble and ever learning servant, Lynn
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